


Wait For It

by larksparrow



Series: Lams Parent AU [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friends to Lovers, Kid Fic, M/M, Philip is Laurens in here but shhhhhh, Roommates, Single Parent AU, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-08-09 10:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16448177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larksparrow/pseuds/larksparrow
Summary: John Laurens is a twentysomething single father trying to make a go of it in New York City. What he doesn't plan on is running into his boyhood crush, Alexander Hamilton, who offers him a place to stay.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [ Based on this Tumblr post (Seriously it's really cute!!)](https://nerdsmcgee.tumblr.com/post/175411795946/so-hows-a-bout-single-dad-john-laurens-au)

A crisp November chill settled over the air in Central Park. John Laurens was enjoying an afternoon walk around the park, partly to view the autumn leaves, but mostly to get acquainted with the new city he had just moved to. Though a leisurely walk seemed to be in vain, as John tried to get his infant son, Philip, to enjoy the view too, instead of trying to wiggle out of his grasp.

“No, come on Philip, just look at the trees, I don’t want you crawling around here yet.” John pleaded to his son. As Philip couldn’t talk yet, the conversation wouldn’t be gaining much momentum.

Once Philip realized he wasn’t getting down, he began to cry. John realized his baby’s fussiness was mostly due to needing a bottle, but to his chagrin, there was nowhere he could just sit down, and he didn’t want to make a bottle on the pavement.

Finally he noticed a nearby bench. It was small, and there was a man sitting down on it, writing in a spiral notebook. He wasn’t taking up that much space, but John knew he couldn’t fit on there with a baby and his large diaper bag without invading the man’s personal space. John quickly made his way over.

“Look, sir, can I have your seat for a couple minutes? I need to make my son a bottle, and-” John's breath caught in his throat as the bench patron looked up.

“John.” The man said, eyes wide as if looking at a spirit.

“Alexander,” John breathlessly replied, “what are you doing here?”

They stayed in a reverie for a few moments, only broken by Alexander to chuckle, “It’s a public bench, Laurens.”

John, hearing the fondness in Alexander’s voice and how ridiculous his own question was, began to chuckle too, and they were just two grown men laughing and staring at each other in Central Park.

Alex looked different, face leaner from maturity, and his once long hair was short, but blown back to add volume. But there was no mistaking him.

Time seemed to pause in that moment, until Philip’s crying reminded Laurens of the bottle he needed to make.

“Oh, um, can you please-” John began to ask, until Alexander got the picture and generously scooted over to allow room for John, Philip, and the large diaper bag.

“Thank you.” John replied, deftly grabbing the supplies and assembling the bottle, albeit a bit awkwardly with the baby in his lap.

Alexander just stared at them.

Once the formula was ready to go and Philip had quieted down with his bottle, John turned back up to look at Alexander.

Eyes locked, and for once, neither knew what to say. It wasn’t an awkward silence, it was one of a shock. John never thought he would see Alexander again. And John knowing Alex, he was probably thinking the same thing.

“It’s good to see you again.” Alexander said, finally breaking the silence.

John had a shy smile on his face, but nodded in agreement, “Still writing, I see?” John asked, noticing the worn spiral notebook in his lap.

“Did you think I would have stopped?” Alexander retorted, referencing how he had always been writing down something in high school, whether it be poetry, homework, or deep political feelings. 

“I probably would have been more shocked by that than us meeting again.” John confided, earning a laugh from Alexander.

Another pause.

“Look, if you’re not busy, do you want to just go somewhere to catch up? Obviously, a lot has happened for both of us in the last few years.” Alex asked.

John smiled, looking down at his cooing son. Apprehension coiled into his stomach like a sailor’s knot, he once thought Alexander and him would be never be apart, and yet, they hadn’t talked in years. Though the separation wasn’t anyone’s fault, John was still pained when the thought of Alexander would wander into his mind. Did he really want to open that can or worms again?

But he could never say no to Alexander.

“Sure, Alex.” John bashfully replied.

The two boys had been inseparable when they met in 10th grade. Alexander was the dirt poor immigrant, and John was the weird gay kid from a rich Southern family. The two were best friends, much to John’s fathers annoyance.

And somewhere along the way, John fell completely head-over-heels in love with his Alexander.

He knew it wouldn’t go anywhere though. Despite Alexander’s status, he always had a string of (usually wealthy) girlfriends. And that was fine, being in Alexander’s orbit was enough for him, especially with how supportive Alex was after John told him he was gay, and how John needed to stay in the closet. He just couldn’t take the chance of his father finding out before college. His father had always promised a full ride through college if he didn’t “screw up”, and John would prefer to be in the closet for a few more years if it meant absolutely zero student loan debt.

Both boys’ ultimate dream was to live in New York City, and they thought their ticket there would be through college. But John’s heart was crushed when his father put his foot down about John going to school in Europe. Probably to end any friendship with that strange Hamilton kid.

Both boys were thinking logically, it made no sense for John to give up his free ride through college, and there was no way Alexander could afford tuition for a school out of the country, and Columbia was his dream. Though they were thinking about their choices logically, it didn’t mean the separation hurt any less.

They had tried to keep in touch, but between the distance, new friends, and their schoolwork, they had just slowly drifted apart over the years.

Though John got the last laugh on his father, telling him throughout the 4 years that he was getting a pre-law degree, when in actuality, John had gotten an art major, with a human rights minor.

“You’re kidding!” Alexander almost doubled over laughing as John recounted that story. Alexander always hated the man for how coldly he treated John.

“No, I swear!” John promised, as his cheeks had a faint pink hue from seeing Alex laughing so hard at a story he told.

The trio had moved to a local Starbucks. John and Alex sat with their coffees as Philip seemed content with his small toys, but had fallen asleep some time ago. John knew that his son’s sleep schedule would be all out of whack for the night, but honestly, it was worth it just to get some time to talk to Alexander, he had missed him so much.

They were mostly catching up, Alexander recounted how he graduated Columbia early with a Law degree, and had been fortunate enough to get a lucrative job in the city. John had talked about Europe, his art, and his initial lackadaisicalness to find a job, at least until Philip came along. While the conversation started out kind of stilted, they quickly relaxed into their familiar rhythm. They never had a problem with maintaining a conversation in person, even now it seemed.

The laughter subsided, as Alexander looked at John again, eyes staring into him like he was afraid John would disappear if he looked away.

“God, it is so good to see you, I can’t believe our good fortune!” Alexander exclaimed.

John nodded eagerly, “I know, haven’t even been in the city for a week and of course I bump into you!”

Alexander had a puzzled look on his face, “Wait, really? You’re just getting settled? That must be hard with a little one- and I still can’t believe you have a kid!” Alexander said in one excited go, always talking like he was running out of time.

“Yeah, it’s been a pretty big adjustment, it’s all a crazy story.” John replied.

Alexander looked bemused, “how much of a crazy story is conceiving a kid?”

John flushed red at Alex’s joke, “It’s not so much the conceiving, as what came after. Single fatherhood and all that.” John looked down bashfully, not wanting to retell how one very drunken night after a fight with his father, he fooled around with an acquaintance named Martha Manning. She was so sweet, and John wanted so very much to love her, and well, Philip was the result 9 months after a very regretful evening. Martha was younger than John, still in college, and not ready to settle down yet. John understood, and embraced his new role as a single parent, ending up in New York because he figured he might as well make a go of his dream before it was too late.

Alexander’s eyebrows shot up, “Wait, wait, wait, you’re new to this city all alone? Where are you staying?” Alexander asked, a worried look on his face.

“Oh, um, I’m just staying at a hotel.” John hesitantly replied, worried that Alexander was about to judge him, or tell him he was being a fool. Or, worst of all, ask what part of town the hotel was at.

“A hotel? Oh no my friend, I insist, you should stay with me until you can find your own place.”

“Oh, well I really wouldn’t want to impose, especially with Philip and all that-”

“Nonsense. My place is pretty big, and-” Alex firmly replied, before deflating a bit, “look, I know we grew apart with college and all that, but you were really there for me in high school when I had nobody, and if you’re serious about finally realizing your dream in New York, I want to do all I can to help. I don’t want you to waste your money in a hotel when you could be putting that towards your son, or saving for a decent place of your own. This town can be vicious if you don’t know how to navigate it properly.”

John was dumbstruck, Alexander really thought that John had done him a favor in high school? He held him in that high of a regard after all these years? John honestly didn’t want to impose on Alexander, he probably had his own set of friends and a steady girlfriend even.

Yet, John couldn't deny that the chance to get close to his one-time best friend made his heart race, and that he was rapidly running out of money. He hadn’t even had the chance to get a day job while he looked to find steady employment.

“Look, Alex,” John paused, “I really appreciate your offer, and I won’t lie and say that I don’t need it, but I want you to promise to kick us out if we become too much for you. I wouldn’t want to lose your friendship this way. I’ve lost other friends who couldn’t handle the little guy.” John finished indifferently.

Alexander looked like he was positively fuming at the revelation that friendships had ended after Philip came along, “Well, I can’t speak much of their character, but yes, I promise to be upfront with you if there are any issues.”

John was flattered, “Look, it’s no big deal, a lot of guys our age aren’t ready to handle-”

As if on cue, Philip began to whimper, and John could tell he was hungry again- how long had they been in the coffee shop? 

John began awkwardly getting the supplies for another bottle.

“Hey, I can hold him for you, if it’s easier for you to make the bottle?” Alexander offered.

“Oh,” John breathlessly replied, “yes, thank you.” No one had ever offered to help him when he was struggling.

Philip wasn’t used to being cared for by anyone except his dad, so John was shocked when that baby started cooing in Alexander’s arms.

“He likes me!” Alexander enthusiastically said, making baby faces and somehow keeping Philip completely entertained.

John would have watched the scene forever, if he knew Philip would soon resume crying. “You know, a baby’s initial reaction doesn’t mean whether they like you or not-”

“Hush up Laurens, he likes me.” Alexander haughtily retorted, before setting his sights back on the baby.

John laughed, and quickly added the formula powder to the water, creating the nourishment needed for his little boy.

John took his baby back and began to feed him.

Alexander’s eyes drifted towards the window near the front, “Ah shit, it’s really dark now.”

John looked up, alarmed, and saw that Alexander was indeed correct. He bit his lip in worry, this was his first time living in a city, and he was still getting used to navigating it in the daytime, let alone night! If it was just himself he thought he could manage, but he had his son to protect too.

Alexander’s eyes turned back to him, “I’m sorry I kept you so late John, I can walk you to your hotel if you want.”

“No, um, it’s not around here.” John countered, shoulders tensing up.

Alexander’s face softened after a moment, “Well, why don’t I just pay for a cab?”

John gave an exhale when he remembered that cabs were plentiful, and would take him directly to his hotel. “I’m not flat broke, I can swing a cab this time.”

“I’m the one who kept you this long, I insist.”

“Oh Alexander,” John sighed, “there never was too much of a point to argue with you, but I will not have you treating me to absolutely everything.” John insisted, not wanting Alexander’s apparent gratitude toward their childhood to turn into Alex feeling like John was taking advantage of him in their adulthood. John felt humbled enough that Alex was letting them live with him.

Alex settled into an easy smile, “After this cab ride, of course, my dear friend.”

John groaned and dropped his head onto the table in a mix of frustration at Alexander’s stubbornness, and his use of the endearment.

~~~

“Do you need me to go with you or anything?” Alexander offered as John loaded his bag into the back of the cab.

“No, no, I can manage.” John casually stated, already feeling overwhelmed with Alexander’s offerings, “Thank you, I have your address, I’ll be over tomorrow before you leave for work. And just...”

John paused, apprehension swimming through his veins as he grabbed Alexander’s shoulder, and lightly squeezed, “thank you, I really just needed a friend right now.”

John pulled away, Alex’s eyes looking down at the slightly smaller man. 

Alexander smiled back at him, “I’ll see you tomorrow Laurens, I’m so happy to have you back.”

John hoped the darkness outside masked his fiery red face as he quickly said his goodbyes, and made it into the car.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the kudos and comments for the first chapter! It really inspired me to keep going and work even faster on Chapter 2. I feel like this chapter is a little too exposition-y, but next should be some fluffy bonding, and good ol' pining!

Like John predicted, Philip was restless before finally waking up for good at 3 am with his soft cooing.

John turned on the bedside lamp, and turned towards his son, who flashed a smile at his father. John groaned, running a hand down his face, unable to be mad at such a sweet boy. Though the early wake up was John’s own fault.

His mind flashed to last night, to Alex and his offer to move in with him, and John had to take a minute to convince himself that that had actually fucking happened. John went between staring at Philip and scrolling through social media for a while, enjoying the calm, before the need for coffee finally became too much to bear.

John got up to the small kitchenette and made some very weak hotel coffee, while beginning to pack his bags. John also needed to formulate a brilliant plan on how to casually show up to Alex’s place.

~~~

John’s brilliant plan was backfiring. Alexander told him to come between five to seven a.m., before he had to leave for work. John didn’t want to seem like he was too eager to head over to Alexander’s place, so he figured he would call the cab at six, and make it over there with enough time to say hi, get a quick introduction of the place, and not seem like he hasn’t actually been waiting for several hours just to see Alexander again.

Of course, life has other plans.

The cabs seemed to have no interest in picking up John, then traffic decides to just be the absolute worst, and by the time John maneuvered his two large duffle bags onto his back, diaper bag on his side, and baby in arms, it was very nearly seven. John found Alex’s apartment number, and let his bags drop with a thud. He knocked on the door, hoping that any merciful gods up there would still have Alexander at his house.

The door opened, and there was Alexander, dressed like a proper fucking gentleman. Dark suit, his short hair was styled back again, and a messenger bag slung over his slim frame, it looks like John had arrived just in time to not make a total ass of himself.

“You’re here!” Alexander exclaimed, “I was beginning to worry that I scared you away yesterday.”

John was still trying to catch his breath, both at the rather exerting stair climb, and at seeing Alexander so dressed up. Alex had never cared about what he looked like in high school, usually wearing unflattering jeans and a shirt that was a size too big.

But this was...wow.

“You didn’t scare me away, but I think every driver in New York may have been trying to.” John gave a small smile.

Alexander quickly moved to open the door more, and get out of the walkway, “Come in, I’m in a rush, but I can show you around really quick?”

“Yeah, sure, thanks Alex.” John said, moving to find a place to put Philip before he brought in his bags.

John walked in and was thoroughly impressed with the space. For a New York City apartment, it was a rather large, open floor plan, with a living room, and a dining nook/office area that led to the bedroom and bathroom in the back. While the space left John impressed, he quickly realized it was full of books and papers spilling out from every corner. The place wasn’t filthy, just cluttered.

“Ah, good to see the old Alexander is still very much alive.” John turned back toward his old friend, to see he had carried in John’s bags, to some difficulty.

“Oh, you really didn’t need to do that, I was just gonna put the little guy down.” John protested.

Alexander shrugged, “it’s no problem. And yes, I still write and read to an excessive amount, so no need to worry that I have my life totally together.” He smiled at John.

John laughed at his friend, slowly walking around the apartment, looking over the space, before turning back to Alexander, “Look at you, dressed for success.” John quipped, while feeling a bit inadequate in comparison with his own attire, tan chinos with a loose green v neck, and his hair up in a messy ponytail. Again, trying to look casual for moving in day was a big fail.

Alex chuckled, “Work will do that to you. While I always had the motivation for success, I have only learned to dress for it fairly recently.”

Another comfortable pause settled over the men.

“So, this place may only be one bedroom, but my pull out couch is actually really nice, I have people compliment it all the time, not that the sheets are too worn or used or anything-” Alex continued to ramble as John took in the space. Yes, it was only one bedroom, but it was a rather large space, especially for New York. The pull out couch looked way comfier than what he had been sleeping on previously, and even with Alexander’s books and clutter everywhere, it still looked roomy enough that adding two more people wouldn’t cause much of a disturbance. More importantly, Alexander was being an amazing friend for offering, and John was excited to have him back in his life.

“Alexander, this is...more than perfect. Thank you for your generosity.” John confided. 

Alexander smiled wide, and went over to his desk.

“Well, here is the spare key,” Alexander said, putting the key right into John’s palm, “I really have to head to work, but maybe we can hang out when I get back?”

“Y-yeah man.” John replied.

“Great,” Alex smiled as he made his way to the door, “and John?”

John stared, raptured by Alexander.

“I’m really glad to have you and Philip here.” Alexander replied, before closing the door, and the sound of the lock turning right after.

John stared at the door, feeling his palms sweat around the key in his hand, and letting out a deep sigh.

He had work to do.

John made a run to Target with Philip to grab some essentials, mainly some furniture and accessories babies needed. They were small pieces, so that Alexander’s apartment would not get too crowded. He finally wanted to get the essentials for when he would get his own place. He also got some bananas and avocados for his son to get some more solid foods. These taxi cab fares would be the death of him.

After their excursion, and a quick bite to eat, John was officially tired of hauling everything he owned up the stars.

He decided to send a quick text to Lafayette, his best friend from college, letting him know of his sudden living situation.

[John]: So my plan to move to New York seems to be a success...I met someone ; D talk on Messenger?

Though there was quite a time difference between the two, John thought the wording of his text was scandalous enough to elicit a reply fairly quickly, especially knowing Lafayette.

John obviously knew his friend well when the call alert sounded only a few minutes later.

“Heyyy!” Lafayette announced in his thick french accent as his face came to life over the screen, “Where’s my nephew? Or is this conversation not for small ears?”

John laughed, as he laid stomach-down on the couch, propping Philip next to him. In their little tradition, John would play around with the different filters while talking, giving him and Philip filters that would either make them look ridiculously cute, or creep Lafayette the hell out.

“That one is cute!” Lafayette said, as he continued to baby talk to a smiling Philip. Lafayette had really become John’s only true friend after Philip was born. He was the overly sociable and gregarious one, while John was the introvert, but knew when to reign Laf back. They made a good pair.

“Oh god, no not that one!” Lafayette shuddered as the filter changed Philip’s cherubic face to a rather gory image of a skull with blood coming down it’s black eye sockets.

John chuckled, rather disturbed at the filter too, and turned the filters off.

“Okay, stop stalling about telling me about your man! Now, how did you even meet him when you are so overly paranoid when it comes to your son?”

“I’m not overly paranoid!” John protested, before realizing Laf was probably right. He didn’t have Tinder because he didn’t want to bring random people over to his house, and he hadn’t gotten established enough to find a good babysitter so he could go out.

Lafayette was never going to believe John had moved in with someone.

“But, anyways, I didn’t hook up with anyone, but I ran into my old high school crush, and he let me move in with him.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Lafayette sputtered, “I think it’s the connection lag between continents, but did you suddenly go crazy?”

John laughed, and explained that it was his absolute best friend from childhood, who was now a successful lawyer with a swanky apartment who was letting John and Philip stay there until John could land a job.

“So, you moved in with this guy you haven’t seen in years...why?”

John began to explain how extremely close they were, and how they had reconnected at the coffee shop, and how nice Alexander had been about Philip.

“Sounds like you have a crush.” Lafayette casually replied.

John snorted, “no, I had a crush! Past tense, and I really just wanted to reconnect with him. He was so nice, and you know it’s been harder to connect with people our age since Philip came along. And besides, he’s known that I was gay for years, why wouldn’t he have made a move if he liked me?” John countered.

“Well, if it’s so hard to connect with people our age, why was it so easy for him to connect to you? People change John, or more accurately, they realize who they are. Or maybe he has finally noticed how hot you are?” Laf said with a wink and a smirk.

“Please stop.” John pleaded, a soft smile on his face from Lafayette’s teasing. John centered the conversation to Lafayette for a while, before it was time to go.

“I knew the move to New York would be good for you mon ami. Now, go get your hot lawyer and let me know when you have some fun.” Laf dramatically kissed the screen and laughed a goodbye.

John sat up and ran his fingers through his ponytail, Lafayette’s words buzzing through his mind. He couldn’t still have a crush on Alexander, and Alexander having a crush on him was just nonsense. Though it was a theory he had entertained often in his younger years.

John pondered how he had changed since the last time Alex had seen him. He still had the same long, untameable curls, the splotchy freckles, and a pretty decent sense of fashion. Though the biggest change was that John had gotten really into working out with Lafayette, and his body had become fit and toned. It wasn’t as toned since Philip came along and happily stole all his time, but thankfully his abs were still there.

It didn’t really matter if he had gotten more attractive or not though, Laf had no idea who Alex was, and Alex had never shown interest in John.

John needed to get his mind off of those thoughts.

~~~

It was late afternoon, and John was in the middle of the arduous process of trying to assemble Philip’s bassinet, when he heard the door open. John looked up and saw Alexander, who immediately began laughing at John’s look of distress at the mangled piece of furniture.

“You try assembling it!” John countered, a wide smile on his face for how the silly the situation must look, “These things have way too many parts and instructions!”

Alex laughed, sliding his messenger bag off by the door, “Unfortunately I have dealt with way too many unnecessarily, overly complicated, people today to want to deal with equally difficult furniture, but I can probably help after I’ve had a couple drinks.”

“Drinks?” John called, always one for a drink or two.

Alex then walked over to Philip, who was in his new high chair which attached directly to the table, munching on some banana bits.

“Hi little guy!” Alex said, bending down to Philip’s level as the baby squealed. Alex redirected his speech toward John, while still looking at Philip, “I’ve got some Sam Adams in the fridge, if you want one.”

“God yes!” John replied. He made his way to the refrigerator, grabbed the beers, then looked on in horror.

Besides the beer, there was one container of yogurt, milk, a couple condiments and butter on the side, and a plastic container of spinach that looked like it had been there at least since Philip is born.

“Ugh, you have such a single guy fridge!” John loudly complained, slamming the door to the refrigerator to back at Alexander. John hadn’t had any reason to look in the fridge, forgetting to grab groceries for himself as he tried to make sure Philip had what he needed.

“Well, there’s a reason.” Alexander smirked as he walked towards John, amused by his little outburst.

“No, no, no,” John replied, the remark about Alexander being single not registering, “I have never in my life had a fridge that was this depressing because of choice! As long as I’m here I’m going to make you eat an actual meal for once, it’ll probably be the first time you had proper nutrition since high school!” John finished in a huff. Alexander had always been a workaholic, often just forgetting to eat in the quest to just get that much farther with is work. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that Alex hadn’t dropped that habit.

John froze as he felt Alexander’s head resting on his shoulder, Alex’s body heat radiating onto John’s back.

“You’re gonna take care of me?” Alexander said, batting his eyelashes as John turned to look at him, a wide smile forming on Alex’s face.

John playfully swatted him away, taking a couple side steps as both men dissolved into laughter, John hoping his sounded natural as he was internally freaking the hell out.

He was definitely not over his crush on Alexander.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and feedback so far, it really makes me smile!

John woke up that night at two a.m. to Philip’s crying. This time, John could tell Philip wasn’t up for good, just wanting a bottle.

John shushed Philip as he grabbed the baby from his bassinet, hoping he wouldn’t wake Alexander. 

“Everything okay?”

John jumped about 3 feet in the air, turning around and noticing that Alexander was still very much awake, and at his desk in the corner. Papers and take-out cartons from their dinner that night surrounding him. John hadn’t noticed Alex working so diligently because there was only a dim light illuminating Alexander’s desk.

“Alexander? Yeah, Philip’s fine...jus’ needs a bottle...why the hell are you up?” John slurred, sleep deprived enough from the last two nights to let the profanities slip from his lips.

Alexander shrugged, moving to get closer to John, “I usually stay up pretty late. Philip hasn’t been that loud until now, I just wanted to make sure he was fine.”

John nodded, making his way to the kitchen, trying to shush Philip’s crying as he tried to assemble the bottle with one arm and half asleep.

“How do you make the formula?” Alexander inquired.

“Is’ not that hard.” John remarked.

Alexander fidgeted, “...can I make it for you? If you’re gonna be staying here I might as well help out when I can.”

John turned to look at his friend, wide awake now. Alex looked so sincere, John’s heart swelled at his generosity. “Oh...Alex, you really don’t-”

“If you’re uncomfortable with me doing it, then that’s fine, but I don’t mind helping out now and again, Philip is just too cute.” Alex replied, reaching out and rubbing his hand over the crying child’s wispy curls.

“I’m not uncomfortable...just,” John tried to search for the right words, “thank you, Alexander. I already feel indebted enough.”

“You are not indebted to me.” Alexander rebutted with such a firmness in his voice, his warm, dark eyes boring right to John’s core with such a strength, that it took John aback.

~`~`~

“Alex, aren’t you hungry?” John asked the new student, as he sat across from him at the lunch table, “this past week you’ve sat with me, I haven’t seen you eat. It’s not very healthy.” John chided.

Alex looked up from his notebook, fidgeting in his seat, “I am hungry, it’s just...” Alex scanned the lunchroom nervously. “I don’t want people to know that I get the free lunch, so I usually skip lunch.”

“Oh.” John sighed. There were so few kids at the school that weren’t saddled with money, it didn’t really occur to him that Alexander Hamilton wasn’t one of them

The students with the free lunch had to present the cafeteria workers with bright orange coupons, making it glaringly obvious who the lower-class students were. John didn’t care, but he knew he was one of a minority with that opinion.

“Can you please not tell anyone?” Alex pleaded, eyes wide like a startled deer.

John’s heart softened, this kid has made such an impact on him ever since he sat right next to John in class and boldly introduced himself. This must obviously be an issue that is close to his heart, and while John had never had to worry about being poor, he knew how important a person would have to be if he told them he was gay. Alexander must really trust him.

“I would never reveal a secret of yours, Alexander. I don’t care about your status.”

Alex visibly relaxed, giving a shy smile at John. John smiled back, his green eyes connecting to Alexander’s brown ones, so dark they looked to be black.

John coughed.

“So... do you wanna share my lunch? The maid usually makes too much anyway, and I could bring more tomorrow.” John replied.

“You don’t have to, I’m used to working through my hunger.” Alexander replied nonchalantly, gesturing toward his notebook

John shoved his lunchbox and contents towards the center of the table.

“Eat, Alexander.” John demanded. This has been the only kid that’s been nice to him since middle school, he wasn’t going to let him go without if he could help it, and this was something he definitely had no problem being meek about.

~`~`~

“Is this right?” Alexander said, staring nervously at the bottle.

John blinked back to reality, and was so amused. Alex was probably less worried when he took his LSAT’s than assembling a baby’s bottle, scared of harming Philip in some way.

“I mean...I think so? You didn’t add ANY extra did you? You don’t want to permanently alter his digestive tract.”

Alex’s eyes bulged out of his head, looking panicstricken before John started laughing.

Realizing John’s joke, Alex playfully smacked his shoulder, “You’re wicked.” He replied, a small smile on his face.

John settled down, “babies are a bit more durable than most think, honestly you did a good job.”

Alexander beamed.

John moves to sit on his bed, Philip nestled in his arms, his cries and fidgeting finally dying down as he sucked on the bottle.

Alexander leaned on a nearby cabinet, watching the pair.

“You know, you’re gonna have to go to bed too Alexander.” John eventually chided him.

“Yeah, I know. Just finishing up this paper.”

John looked at him. It was amazing the ways they had changed, and yet had not. “No, it’s gonna be now.”

Alexander laughed, “you can’t be serious.”

John has a deadpan look on his face as he moved his sleeping infant to his bassinet, and moved to stand in front of Alexander.

“You know I was a mother hen in high school, and now I’m an actual parent, so yes, I am very serious.” John shot Alexander a look, before turning him around, and playfully pushing Alexander to his room.

“No- no- just one more page!” Alexander tried to protest, though the two men started laughing, but still trying to be moderately quiet for the sake of Philip. Alexander let himself be moved, but of course protesting the whole way.

“Go. To. Sleep!” John said in between his own laughter, and Alexander’s protests.

Soon, they made it into the middle of Alexander’s room. John moved back to stand at the door frame, arms at his sides, to make sure Alexander would not be sneaking out.

Alexander turned, looking at John as the laughter died down, and a quiet beat passed over them.

John studied Alexander’s face. In the dim light, John could see Alexander’s cheekbones, so prominent, and flushed a light red color, practically glowing against his olive toned skin.

Alex gave John a bemused look, and quirked his eyebrow, “Are you going to watch me get ready for bed too?”

John’s face burned as he realized his position. Standing in Alexander’s door frame, watching as the next step for Alexander to do for bed would be taking of his clothes.

“No, sorry, um, okay then, goodnight!” John stuttered, before quickly closing the door and returning to his own bed.

John didn’t realize what he had implied. Had Alexander gotten the wrong idea? No...both of them had been really affectionate in their youth, and the other aspects of their friendship had come back so easily, the touching and teasing was surely just another aspect. Alexander probably had no idea of John’s crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was pretty short, next chapter will be more fluff and bonding time!
> 
> And we got the first flashback! I don't want to use them too much, but I just want to make sure their dynamic is more balanced, and that it's clear they both mutually helped each other throughout life, instead of Alexander just being this ultimate provider.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to a long chapter everyone! Hope you like family meal bonding
> 
> TW for homophobic slur

Thankfully, Alexander didn’t seem to bring up the bedtime incident, and John was more than happy to let it go too.

The day passed in a pleasant blurr, John went to the store to get some actual food so he could cook, taking Philip in his stroller as he looked in awe at the new surroundings.

In between caring for Philip, John spent the day getting his Linkedin and portfolio all up to date, practicing some sketching, and applying to some jobs.

Yet, Philip was proving to be a worthy distraction, John thought, as he laid down on the couch, holding his son above him, as Alexander walked in.

“Hey man!” John called, setting Philip down on his stomach to look at his roomate.

Alexander stood in the doorway, body frozen, as he looked at the father and son.

John bit his lip. Here he was, lounging on the couch with his kid. Alexander was probably annoyed, thinking John hadn’t done anything productive today when the whole reason for John’s stay was to get back on his feet.

“Oh, sorry about relaxing, I have been applying to jobs today, I haven’t just been taking it easy.” John replied, hoping Alexander would understand.

Alexander looked at John with a quizzical look, before shaking his head, “no, no, I don’t- sorry. I just got too wrapped up in my thoughts. I don’t care if you take breaks, you need to spend time with your son, Laurens.” Alex gave a tight smile, before making his way toward the bedroom to change out of his work clothes.

John was still a little puzzled at Alex’s reaction, but the explanation sounded plausible.

“Want me to start on dinner?” John called.

“Yes please!” was the resounding answer.

~~~

“Jesus...” Alexander mumbled when he noticed the food John placed on his dining table.

“It’s seriously nothing much Alexander, it’s like, 5 ingredients.” John chuckled, he had made stuffed peppers with quinoa, zucchini, broccoli and feta. It seriously was not a complicated dish for John.

“Yeah but like, 5 more than I can prepare.” Alex retorted, and John was not about to dispute that.

The dining table was small and circular, really only big enough for 3 chairs, though tonight, it was two chairs and a high chair. It was a lot more intimate than John had realized, though the playful screeching of Philip as he ate his broccoli definitely did not make it romantic.

The two settled into their meals, and began to talk, their dialogue only occasionally interrupted by Philip’s babbling turning into screeching.

A particularly loud screech brought John and Alex to Philip’s full attention.

Philip smiled, clearly not upset, just testing out his vocal cords.

Alexander was amused, and brought a finger to tickle Philip’s stomach, “do you hear this guy? So full of opinions, and not afraid to voice them!”

John laughed, doubting that a infant’s noises would be an indicator of greatness, yet, he was glad Alexander had taken a liking to his son, and saw something special in him.

“He is such a treasure, John. You truly are blessed.” Alexander exclaimed, so enamoured with the child.

John found himself growing an affectionate smile. No matter the circumstances, he knew how lucky he was to have a son as amazing at Philip. 

“Also looks like you. Like, _exactly _like you, I can’t get over it!”__

__John laughed, and didn’t need to turn to his son to know what Alexander was talking about. Both had the same green eyes, same brown curls, and both had a similar medium skin tone, though Philip’s was a bit lighter due to his lack of sun exposure. They really did look identical._ _

__“Yes, everyone says that, I just hope he doesn’t get my freckles.” John commented offhandedly, turning back towards his food._ _

__“Are you crazy? Your freckles are so beautiful!” Alexander exclaimed._ _

__John dropped his fork, a wild blush on his face. He stared at Alexander, honestly not knowing what to say._ _

__Alexander’s bright smile faded at John’s reaction, possibly the only thing saving his face from turning into one of sheer terror was his poker face he had developed from his work as a lawyer. A silence settled over the room, until Alexander cleared his throat._ _

__“I mean...it’s true though? You deserve compliments Laurens.” Alexander quietly muttered._ _

__~`~`~_ _

__A couple years from their initial meeting in homeroom, the two knew nearly everything about each other. Everything from where Alexander’s house was located in the poor part of town, to John knowing that Alexander’s cousin didn’t give a fuck what Alexander did, and any friends or partners of Alexander were allowed at all hours._ _

__Which is why John had burst into Alexander’s room in the middle of the night._ _

__Alexander’s dark eyes turned to John’s attention, and quickly saw that he was a mess._ _

__Soaking wet, bloodshot eyes. Alexander correctly guessed that John had run over to his house in the rain._ _

__Alexander rushed to his friend, enveloping him in a tight hug, as John cried into his shoulder. It took a lot to get to John. He got angry at peers who were mean to him, and his siblings’ sneers he disregarded as petty. Being sad enough to cry just didn’t happen, except for one big exception._ _

__“What did your dad do this time? He didn’t find out that you are gay, did he?” Alexander asked in panic for his friend._ _

__John let out a loud and embarrassing sniffle, before shaking his head no, “he said I needed to man up and finally date a girl, get my mind off of my art, because I won’t find anybody if I keep drawing, and that I will turn into a fag if I spend too much time with you. I keep telling him you’re straight, but he just says such awful things about you, when really, it should be about me.”_ _

__John felt Alexander sigh in sympathy on his shoulder, giving the drenched boy a chance to finish off his rant._ _

__“I mean, maybe he’s right. About the finding love part. I’m going into college next year without any experience, would anyone even give me a chance?”_ _

__Alexander pulled out of the embrace looked positively fuming, “John, it’s not your fault you’re growing up in a town full of small minded idiots. You’re an amazing person. Your art is absolutely stunning, and that’s all on your own! I admire how dedicated you are to your craft.”_ _

__Green eyes met brown as Alexander looked like he was out of breath trying to instill all of his thoughts into his friend._ _

__“And it’s not true you won’t find anyone. You may be stuck in a small, southern town where your pickings are slim-”_ _

__“Try none.” John managed to retort._ _

__Alexander barreled on anyway, “but you such an incredible person John, and you really are beautiful. Your long curls, your freckles...believe me, once you get somewhere more open minded, you’ll be turning down...oh shit I don’t know your type. Every single guy you turn down will be your dream guy.”_ _

__John laughed through his sniffles, smiling brightly at Alexander’s jokes. He had no idea how he would get through school if he didn’t have Alexander by his side, comforting him with words that struck his core, and really made him believe that he would one day have a life that was far from the misery of his father, and even be able to find love too, beyond the platonic love Alexander offered._ _

__But John really did wonder, even if it was in a platonic way, did Alexander think he was beautiful?_ _

__~`~`~_ _

__Alexander coughed, “I mean, it’s true though...you always deserved compliments.”_ _

__John gave a small smile, remembering all the pep talks of their youth, “Alexander, I’m not some upset schoolboy. You don’t have to build up my confidence anymore, I actually had quite a few boyfriends until fatherhood came calling.”_ _

__Well, more like John never had problems getting hookups, dating was _much _messier, but he really didn’t feel like specifying even more of his shortcomings to his friend.___ _

____“Really?” Alexander exclaimed, elbows coming up on the table and perching his head on them in an over the top gesture, “who would have known that dear Laurens would actually not have trouble getting dates? If only someone was there to tell you that in high school!”_ _ _ _

____John laughed, “You were my best friend, you could totally have been lying to me to give me some false confidence!”_ _ _ _

____Alexander shrugged, “I wouldn’t have ever told you a lie about yourself. Your dad always put you down, you needed someone to tell you the truth...did you ever find anyone special in your dates?”_ _ _ _

____John felt his stomach coiling in both affection, and nervousness. He really didn’t deserve Alexander, he was so confident in himself and his sexuality that he had no problem showering his gay roommate with compliments, and here was John, hopelessly crushing on him._ _ _ _

____“Thank you Alexander. I never did find anyone that,” _held a candle to you, _“captured my heart.”___ _ _ _

______Alex gave John a soft smile, “you are an incredible man Laurens, I know that man will come along one day.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______John was scared that he already knew who that man was._ _ _ _ _ _

______~~~_ _ _ _ _ _

______Their nightly meals became a tradition too. The next couple weeks passed by easily enough, John was thankfully finding the two slipping into a new kind of friendship, one that wasn’t relying solely on the past. They were starting to learn about each others current interests, and the new people in their lives._ _ _ _ _ _

______Alexander didn’t rush home every night, and some nights he didn’t come back until the wee hours of the morning. John was grateful that his roommate didn’t feel the need to entertain him, and that Alexander could continue his normal life. Though, he would be lying to say he wasn’t disappointed to not see him on those nights._ _ _ _ _ _

______But, tonight would be one of the nights where all three would be together._ _ _ _ _ _

______Alex was devouring John’s latest creation, and talking had reached a lull. John took the time to stare at Alexander. He had remembered when his raven-colored hair was long, and John would run his hands through it to put it in a bun. Alexander hadn’t really known how to dress up his long hair before John._ _ _ _ _ _

______And now it was all gone._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I can’t believe you cut your hair.” John offhandedly remarked, before his eyes widened in panic that he said that aloud._ _ _ _ _ _

______Alex smiled at John, bemused. “I needed to fit in with the corporate world...honestly, I miss it too.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Really? I’m surprised you would have done it to fit in, instead of changing the system.” John said it a joking manner, but the look in Alexander’s face was strained._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah, me too.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______An awkward silence settled over the pair, John realizing he must have struck a nerve._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m sorr-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I...I want to be honest with you, Laurens.” Alexander interrupted, “I wanted to change the world, I _really _wanted to create a legacy that I would be proud of, but I hate my job. I’m not saving the world, I’m working in divorce court cases between two selfish people who just want the other person to suffer the most. I just got so caught up in the money, especially coming from where I had nothing.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________John’s heart sank at Alexander’s words. He couldn’t imagine the Alexander Hamilton he knew to have such a low opinion of himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Alexander, there isn’t anything wrong with your character. I can certainly understand being blinded by the money rather than being true to yourself.” John hoped Alexander got the reference to his college days, “Just because your career is like this now, doesn’t mean you can’t change it. Or do something else to make an impact.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The brunette noticed Alexander in a contemplative position. John decided to push a little farther._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Why do you still write? I’ve seen some of your papers, they’re essays about politics and social movements, what do you do with them?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Alexander seemed to mull over his answer, a rare move for him, “I don’t do...anything. It’s my outlet, Laurens. I know you worry about how much sleep I get, but when I can just sit down and write about all the problems plaguing my mind...it really keeps me calm. It helps me think, and just focus on myself. It’s how I take a break.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Only Alexander Hamilton could find writing essays to be a stress reliever._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t think you would still be writing those if you didn’t have any moral character, Alexander.” John advised, “why don’t you do something about your writing, like publishing it somewhere!” Alexander scoffed, but John continued on, “start a blog, like a legit blog, or see if one of the newspapers will take it as an op-ed piece, and work from there!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________John could see a faint smile on Alexander’s face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I mean, yeah, maybe...I think I might give it a shot.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The two friends smiled at each other, before turning back to their meals, a pleasant silence filling the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Of course, Alexander had to put an end to that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You don’t get too many breaks, do you Laurens?” Alexander asked, turning to stare at John._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________John let out a deep sigh, time to bring up more of John’s shortcomings, “No, Alexander. That’s what comes with being a single parent. I’ll get my breaks once I land a job.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“But, that’s not a break!” Alexander protested._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Alexander Hamilton, lecturing me about what a proper break is?” John replied incredulously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Alexander rolled his eyes, “Writing is my outlet Laurens. I get it when you, Philip, and the world go to bed. Now what did you do to get time to yourself? Is it drawing?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________John huffed, annoyed at the truth in Alexander’s words, but yet unable to understand how thinking of fantasies could solve the situation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Probably...okay, here me out. It’s actually not drawing. I love doing it, but I get so absorbed in perfecting my craft and improving myself, I can’t just focus on myself and my thoughts. Plus drawing is fairly easy to do with Philip around, so I can multitask, though that definitely isn’t much of a break. The thing I can do that with, is working out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Really?” Alexander questioned, surprise on his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________John wondered if Alexander was going to judge him on it, since his body wasn’t at the peak it used to be, but figured he may as well confess, “I started going with Lafayette in college- you remember him, he’s the french exchange student...”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________John noticed Alexander nodding along, happy that Alexander remembered the stories about his friends._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Anyway, at first he practically had to drag me to go, just to get out of the flat, but after awhile, I got so absorbed in the fast movements, of the quick pace of my heart, that my thoughts slow down...it is really the only time I can really think all to myself, and have a true break.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Alexander seemed to watch John with an expression John couldn’t decipher, which was rare for how expressive the dark-haired man was._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well, that settles it. I will watch Philip for half an hour in the mornings while you go workout.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________John stared at his friend with wide eyes. It was one thing to make a bottle occasionally while John was in the middle of something, it was another to watch an infant alone for a whole half hour, especially if the watcher has no experience with children. John wasn’t worried about Alexander hurting Philip, but would it lead to awkwardness when Alexander inevitably couldn’t handle it for long?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Alexander...I don’t know if you realize what you’re offering..” John murmured._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Nonsense Laurens,” Alexander pushed on, “it will only be an hour and a half, and I want to do something good for you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Look,” John brought his hand to the back of his neck in awkwardness, “we can try it, if you insist, but-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Perfect, we’ll start tomorrow.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Tomorrow it is.” John tensely muttered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is usually my pet peeve in fanfics when kids tend to look EXACTLY like their parents, but this was more of a tongue-in-cheek reference that Anthony Ramos played both Laurens and Philip
> 
> I just want to clarify that going into college or being an adult with no relationship or sexual experience is not the be-all end-all. It really has no value in who you are as a person. I just included John's rant about that into the insecurities we all face about ourselves, especially in high school.
> 
> On a lighter note, I really want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all the great comments and kudos. It really makes me feel confident about my writing, when honestly I am overly critical of it.
> 
> Also, just a heads up, I am going to be moving, and I will be going on vacation for Thanksgiving, so chapters may take longer to get out. However, I am still very dedicated to completing this story, and have the rest of the chapters mapped out!


	5. Chapter 5

Alexander had suggested that John take the subway and jog around Central Park, since the pathways were wide, and there were chin up bars throughout the park. But John insisted on staying close the first few outings.

Or, what would inevitably be the only outing, he was sure.

The autumn air would be brisk, so John was wearing some sweats and a light jacket, as he looked at Alexander holding his son in the doorway, worried to actually go.

“You have my cell number, and I’ll be nearby, I’ll take a cab back if I have to-”

“John, I promise you that I can handle this.”

John bit his lip as he put his hair into a ponytail, delaying the last minute for as long as he could.

“Okay.” John bent down towards Philip, “be good, son.”

John kissed his baby goodbye for what was probably the fifth time that morning. He had so rarely been apart from his son since his birth, it was hard to part for even a short time. The last time being when Martha spent one last night alone with Philip before she had signed away her parental rights, one last goodbye from a mother who was doing what she thought best.

He really didn’t need to think about the guilt about Martha added onto this morning too, but he should probably send her an email when he got back, along with some updated pictures of Philip.

He looked up to Alexander, and gave a small smile, before heading down the stairs.

With his earphones in, John put on some music, and looked around before deciding which way to run.

~~~

God, how he missed running. It had taken a few minutes to clear the many worries from his mind, but once he found the rhythm, it was just like how it used to be. 

All too soon, his phone alarm alerted him that his time was up, and he made his way back to Alexander’s place.

He stood outside the apartment for a minute, as he was a bit more winded than he usually was, it had been too long.

John expected to walk in the apartment and have it be like one of those horribly sexist commercials he always saw, when the mother leaves the house with her husband and child at home, only to find it a complete wreck when she got back.

But Alexander was certainly not his husband, another thought he quickly needed to push out of his head.

To his mild surprise, the house was not anymore a wreck than usual, but Alexander certainly was. By now he was usually fully dressed in his suit, and had his second black coffee in hand. Today, his hair was still wet, he had on dress pants but just a white T shirt, and was holding Philip, who was wailing in his arms.

“Oh, John!” Alexander looked positively relieved, “Pip started crying a couple minutes after you left, I tried a bottle, I tried to see if it was Pip’s diaper-”

John gave Alexander a sympathetic look, and gently grabbed his son, rocking and cooing at him until he quickly settled down. Alexander hovering over.

“Pip?” John realized once Alexander’s words had fully sunken in.

“My nickname for the little guy.” Alexander replied, looking apprehensively at the child, “he looks like a Pip.”

John smirked, staring down at his son. He didn’t look like a ‘Pip’ at all, but his heart swelled that Alexander had a nickname, something only Alexander shared with John’s child.

“He’s okay...right?” Alexander asked, genuinely looking a bit worried.

John gave Alexander a soft smile, “It’s okay Alexander, he is perfectly fine. I think he’s just too clingy with me, and this threw him off of his routine. You did everything you were supposed to.”

Alexander actually let out a long exhale.

“I’m so relieved. I wanted to call you, but I knew you would be back soon, though once he started crying, it felt like hours rather than minutes. I’m glad you’re back.”

John knew where this would segway into.

“Look, watching him was so great of you to offer, but I’m not blaming you for not wanting to do it anymore.”

A beat passed, John turned back to his son.

“Is it bad if I don’t mind doing it again?”

John looked at Alexander as if he had just grown a second head.

“I mean, yeah, he is really clingy towards you, but, I mean like you said, if he got into this new routine, he would calm down around me. And it really wasn’t _that _bad today. I told you I could handle it”__

__John was beyond baffled. All of his old friends had absolutely no interest in spending time with Philip, and even Lafayette would quickly give Philip back to John once the baby started crying, cheerfully exclaiming ‘an uncle gets to enjoy the fun parts of having kids around!’_ _

__And now here was Alexander, who had not only watched a crying Philip alone, but was offering to do it _again. _____

____“I really want him to get used to me.” Alexander looked into deep John’s eyes, “Even when you move out, I really want us to stay in contact. I want to be apart of both of your lives.”_ _ _ _

____John couldn’t breathe, his words stuck in his throat and he couldn’t breathe._ _ _ _

____“Alexander...”_ _ _ _

____John didn’t know what was happening. His heart was about to beat out of his chest with the way Alexander was looking at him._ _ _ _

____John finally found his words when he realized the time._ _ _ _

____“Oh, you _really _need to get ready for work.” John said, unconsciously shifting backwards.___ _ _ _

______It took Alex a second for the words to register, blinking away before getting a serious expression on his face. “Oh, oh you’re right.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He rushed out of the room to try to do something manageable with his hair, and throw on a suit. John grabbed a banana and filled a reusable mug with some black coffee for Alexander to take with him on the subway to work._ _ _ _ _ _

______Alexander remained a flurry until he left, quickly thanking John for the breakfast before slamming the door in haste._ _ _ _ _ _

______Once the apartment was silent, John was finally able to think._ _ _ _ _ _

_______Seriously, what the hell was that? ____ _ _ _ _ _

________~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A beep from his phone alerted John right when he was in the middle of applying for what felt like the millionth application._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He expected some texts from Laf, who was going through his own relationship problems, but was surprised to find a snapchat message from Alexander. They had exchanged their info in their days together, but they rarely messaged each other, as they saw each other so often._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That’s not to say John wasn’t ecstatic to receive it though, even with whatever had happened that morning. The slow rate his job search was going was really starting to get to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________[Alex]: OH MY GOD Jefferson is being the fucking worst today_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________[Alex]: Will absolutely NOT negotiate a settlement on a case that is blatantly his party’s fault_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________[Alex]: We are at a recess now, I need to get my mind off him. What are you and Pip up to today?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________John laughed, he could just imagine Alexander fuming at whatever little break table he was sitting at, typing into his little phone looking mad. John grabbed Pip from where he was crawling on the floor, and put his son to his face, their cheeks touching. He browsed the snapchat filters, ultimately going with the heart filter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It only minorly exaggerated their features, and John thought they both looked cute with the hearts around surrounding both of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________[ _Attachment: 1 image _]  
[John]: We are happy at home! I keep telling you not to let Jeffershit get to you! You don’t seem to listen to me Alexander ; P___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: You are addicted to those filters. Also, YOU don’t have to work with someone as insufferable as him_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John rushed to respond back, but Alexander was faster_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: Please do not reply and say you do because of me_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John smirked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[John]: I will never forgive you for our high school science labs_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: Hey, I more than carried my weight when it came to English!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John had lost count at how long they were talking, happy Alexander was spending his lunch break with him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Wait a damn minute._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[John]: Did you actually eat lunch today?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: I’m actually really busy_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[John]: You’re texting me_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: Multitasking with other work!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: And I did not text you to get personally attacked John_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John smirked, he figured that he knew how to work Alexander. John searched through his photos, and found one from a few days ago. It was Philip with a bright smile on his face as he munched on peach bits, his face covered in slobber and bits of the bright fruit. John sent it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Attachment: 1 Image]  
[John]: Pip wants you to eat up Alexander, Don’t disappoint him <3_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________There was a long break until the next text:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: I hate you sometimes John_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John contemplated sending a string of kissy face emoji’s as a sign of sarcasm right back, before realizing he did not want to go there, in case Alexander didn’t get that it was sarcasm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[John]: Don’t blame me! It was entirely Philip’s idea ; P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John could see the text bubble to indicate that Alexander was typing a message, before it vanished, only to reappear again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: Time for me to go, I’ll grab something really quick then I will deal with Jefferson_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________[Alex]: Thanks John_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________November was quickly approaching its end, and the trio quietly celebrated Thanksgiving together. Alexander, a poor immigrant, wasn’t used to really celebrating the holiday, and John was used to stuffy family get togethers that were way too formal to get any enjoyment from the day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Though they had been steering away from it, they spent the day bringing up memories. John recalled his favorite Thanksgiving was when Alexander snuck over in 10th grade. John had ditched his family to be in his room, and the two spent the day eating the junk food Alex brought over, then sneaking into the kitchen at night to eat the cold leftovers, giggling the whole time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Alexander had a fond look on his face when he said that that was his favorite Thanksgiving too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He offered to take John and Philip down to the Thanksgiving Day Parade, but John figured Philip would get more enjoyment out of it once he was a little bit older, and John would get more enjoyment not dealing with crowds in the bitter cold._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But that day had only been a small repreve in the wake of increasing problems, mainly that John was really beginning to get frustrated at his inability to find a job, and the stress was becoming increasingly obvious to everyone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John couldn’t understand it, he had gone to a prestigious school, and had jobs and an arts internship back in England, but it seemed like New York wasn’t giving him a chance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Alexander tried to assure him that it was just a tough market, and that some company would realize how talented he was soon, but John was not having it, even his daily runs were starting to become less enjoyable as the stress began to nag at him, to the point where he only did it because it would be best for Alexander and Philip to be away from him for awhile. And with how Philip was slowly warming up to Alexander, John genuinely believed that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He was hard at work typing on the couch when Alexander gently removed the laptop from his grasp._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hey!” John grumbled, annoyed at Alexander’s shenanigans_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You work too hard John. Just relax for tonight. Philip’s asleep, I brought back some beer, let’s just hang out. We could watch a movie?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John wanted to disagree, grab his laptop and type away, but he knew how stressed he had been getting, and maybe a quiet movie night with Alexander would do the trick._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________And Alexander looked so damn hopeful._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John nodded, and gave a small smile he managed to fake._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Alexander let out a squeal that actually did make John laugh, and rushed to put some popcorn in the microwave and turn on Netflix to find something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John figured he should help, and turned off the lights and brought the popcorn and drinks over, mindlessly eating as Alex scrolled to try to find something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They eventually chose a Netflix original movie that looked decent, but John found himself completely unable to get sucked into the plot several minutes later._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He sighed deeply, and laid his head back on the couch, only to feel his neck land on something warm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John froze when he realized. Alexander had his arm casually over the couch, and John had leaned into his hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John didn’t know what possessed him then, his stress from the move and lack of a job, his crush, or just the tiredness of being a new parent, but John didn’t pull away, and leaned into Alexander’s hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He expected Alexander to either not care, or playfully shove him away. What John wasn’t prepared for was Alexander to start slowly threading his hands through John’s hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________John let out a pleased hum as Alexander ran his fingers through John’s curls, and started gently rubbing the base of his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Just relax.” Alexander whispered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Alexander started gently rubbing the base of John’s head, who let out an actual _groan _at the contact.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It felt so good, Alexander’s touches affecting him far more than usual since it had been so long since he had last been with anyone. The touches were starting to really worry John, as he felt his arousal growing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Mercifully, the shrill tone of his phone ringing got him to focus his attention on something else, arousal rapidly dying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He dove over to the coffee table to grab his phone, Alexander’s hand getting caught in his hair. John let out a groan of pain, and Alexander’s hand flew back to his side like he just got bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________John fumbled until he finally answered the phone, standing up to go to Alexander’s bedroom so the noise from the movie wouldn’t interrupt him, “Hello?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“May I please speak to John Laurens?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“This is he.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________John hung up the phone, and rushed back to Alexander, a wide grin on his face and shouting in exuberance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What?” Alexander asked, bemused at John’s outburst._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I just got a call for a job interview!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Really?” Alexander asked, a matching grin on his face as he joined John, jumping and up and down and gave him a tight hug._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I _told _you this would happen! I knew you would get something!”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Philip’s cries made John break the hug, realizing he had been too loud. But he didn’t regret his shouts as he finally had a job interview!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________John made his way over to his son, “Oh come on buddy, cheer up, things are finally looking good for us!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________John knew that an interview didn’t mean he was guaranteed a job, but _god _he needed some sign of encouragement, and here it was.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It helped when John got an email for another offer a couple hours later, and an additional call the next day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________That Saturday, John was gently being shaken awake, confusion evident in his face as he looked up at Alexander, who has a positive look of glee on his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It’s snowing.” Alexander whispered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________John had always found Alexander’s fascination with snow so enchanting. He spent his childhood growing up in the Caribbean without any snow, and in the part of South Carolina where the boys lived, it usually didn’t snow at all. As he wasn’t used to it, he quickly developed a fascination for it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________John had spent his winters going to various ski lodges or Europe trips, so snow wasn’t anything special to him. But once he learned about Alexander’s burning curiosity, John had taken Alexander on a road trip to the mountains of North Carolina, where they played in the snow for hours, Alexander’s cheeks were bright red and the snowflakes caught on his long eyelashes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Thats nice Alexander...I’m really tired though.” He mumbled, trying to get warm in his blankets._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Come on, you should get up, this will be Philip’s first snow!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Oh shit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Wait, where’s-” John shot up out of bed, and finally realized how unusual it was that he was prodded awake, and didn’t wake up to the human alarm clock that was his son._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’ve been up with him, we were watching the snowfall together.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________John didn’t think his heart could melt any more from this man._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What did you have in mind?” John inquired._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“How many kids get to spend their first snow sightseeing New York City at Christmastime?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes this took awhile. I survived my move and vacation, but the delay is also because I actually had to split this chapter up into 2 parts, because it was just becoming a beast. Good news, the next chapter is like 70% written, so it will be coming out relatively soon.


	6. Chapter 6

The three of them hadn’t done much sightseeing together yet, Alexander would come back in the afternoons too tired from work, and his weekends were usually occupied with his other friends or more work. John would occasionally venture out with Philip, but as he was still getting his bearings, he didn’t know all of the ins and outs of the city.

But for Alexander, who has been here for several years, he knew absolutely everything he wanted to show John.

First was Central Park. Though this where they had met up those few weeks back, Alexander insisted on going there first because it was apparently completely different in winter versus fall.

They spent a couple hours walking around, but thankfully they were dressed well for it. Though Alexander was still enamoured by snow, he was not well accustomed to it. He wore a slim-fitted black parka, and a cream sweater that was currently hidden underneath the jacket, and he was additionally bundled in a hat, a scarf, and some mittens. He really looked more adorable than anything. John was more accustomed to the cold from his stay in England, so he wore a black peacoat and a grey sweater underneath. He had some mittens on, but didn’t want to have a hat completely ruin his curls. He also left his coat unbuttoned because Philip was in a sling around John’s torso, Philip himself was bundled up, wearing a fuzzy creme hoodie with tiny ears on top that made him look like a little lamb.

John hadn’t wanted to deal with a bulky stroller once they got to some of the busier parts of the city. He knew the sling would cause a bit of a strain on his back, but he thought he would be able to make it through the day.

Alexander spent the walk pointing out landmarks of the park, or throwing the occasional snowball, very mindful not to ever hit near Philip. They put Philip down in the snow, though he quickly started crying and was done with the new sensation. However, he was perfectly content to watch it from the security of his father’s abdomen, even smiling a time or two as a flake fell into his face.

Alexander had them all build a snowman together. John protested that Philip didn’t _really_ help make it, to which Alexander took Philip’s little gloved hand and patted the already-completed snowman, to which John didn’t protest his involvement.

Alexander wanted a photo to commemorate Philip’s first snow creation, and John was more than happy to oblige, only if Alexander promised to send him all the days photos afterwards.

~~~

The sites of the park did look rather different when covered in snow, and John was happy to see them. They took a break to feed Philip, and drink warm coffee while they watched the ice skaters in the park. John vaguely wishing he could skate with Alexander, visions of them stumbling and holding each other up as they laughed filled his head, but with Philip, that was a no go, and their time in the park was winding down anyways.

They were currently exploring the towering pine trees, and admiring the bits of the park that remained untouched, giving the hustle of the city a bit of calm of nature. There was something incredible about being able to explore the wilderness one on street, and be in a metropolitan area in the other.

“I must admit, I do miss South Carolina sometimes.” John admitted.

Alexander laughed and shook his head.

John nudged him with his shoulder, “Oh come on, you must miss it somewhat? I miss being surrounded by nature, all the sights to see and draw.”

Alexander shrugged, “If you miss the wilderness, I will take you Upstate, or to one of the state parks. If you ask me, the best part of South Carolina is here with me now.”

Alexander looked ahead casually, not knowing how he had made John’s heart constrict.

“I suppose that’s true for me too.”

~~~

It was around noon by the time they finished with Central Park, and John insisted on treating Alexander to lunch. Mostly because Alexander deserved it, though John was also looking forward to putting Philip in a high chair so John’s back could get a bit of a break.

Alexander delighted in feeding Philip and playing peekaboo and pattycake whenever Philip started to get a bit fussy.

Philip had warmed up considerably to Alexander during John’s runs, and John was happy he had someone else around to help with the little things when it came to a baby, if only temporarily.

They stayed in the restaurant for perhaps longer than they should, enjoying the warmth and repreve. Next, Alexander showed John the giant ornament statues that were placed along the city during this time of year. With the snow falling on top of them, John thought the scene looked perfect. Though John did not plan on being out this late, he would be lying to say he wasn’t thoroughly enjoying his time with Alexander, and all the pictures they took would probably bring him joy for many years to come. Philip’s first time in the snow was indeed grand, but John was starting to think this outing was more for them than anything.

As the sky got darker, they walked across Broadway looking at signs for the various shows. It wasn’t very holiday oriented, but John delighted in it all the same.

“Have seen any before?” Alex asked him.

“Nah,” John replied, before taking a second to think, “Wait, yeah actually, a long time ago. When I was little my mom took me and a couple of my younger siblings to see Cats when they toured in Durham, she loved musicals actually.”

Alexander turned to John, for as close as they are, they usually avoided subjects of their lives before they met each other. They knew the basics, but some stuff was just too hard to talk about most of the time.

“My dad got mad when he saw how into it I got, and I never went to another musical again...my sisters did, but not after mom died...I actually forgot about that.”

John got quiet, he had forgotten his love of musicals, or was it even love? Was it just a casual experience he liked that he had to suppress for his father? He had lived in England, he could have gone to a show on West End, yet his childhood fascination had been so well suppressed he had forgotten it. There was a lot of himself he had hid when it came to his father.

He felt Alexander grab his hand in an act of comfort. Both had lost their mothers as children, both still ached in their own ways all these years later. While the pain was mostly gone some 20 years later, John wondered how she would have reacted to having a gay son. Would his childhood have been easier? Would she have wanted to be there for Philip’s first Christmas? Philip’s _birth_?

John didn’t want to bring Alexander’s mood down after all he was doing with showing them around the city.

“Though I did end up gay, so maybe he was right.” John knocked into Alexander’s shoulder, moving his hand away, and hoping the joke would add some levity to the now sullen conversation.

Alexander snorted, and loudly announced “So it was Rum Tum Tugger who turn you gay? Are you a _furry?_ ”

John laughed as he hastily covered Alexander’s mouth with his hand, cheeks red as Alexander kept trying to yell out his supposed ‘childhood crush.’

“Please, no, stooooop!” John playfully begged as the men divulved into laughter, weaving around the people on the busy streets.

“Okay! Okay! I yield!” John could hear Alexander’s muffled cries, his breath warming up John’s cold hands.

John let his hand slide to Alexander’s shoulders, keeping his friend close as they walked.

~~~

Next was 5th Avenue, where the stores had various holiday displays set up. They were intricate, and really over the top, but John couldn’t help but enjoy it. By this time the crowds were becoming intense, but Alex stuck close to John and he felt like it was worth it. Alexander and John tried pointing out the lights and some of the cooler sights to Philip, but as an infant there was only so much he could do. John and Alex still enjoyed it though, and both men were getting some good photos of Philip, memories John imagined showing him once he was all grown.

After some time of viewing the holiday displays, Alexander pulled John to the side of the buildings. There was a small divet between two of the stores, a small sanctuary from the center of the jostling crowds. Alexander had a bright smile on his face, yet John had one of confusion.

“Look, there was another reason besides Philip’s first snow day I wanted to take you out today.” Alexander added, pulling out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, looking uncharastically shy.

John scanned the paper, before his eyes widened in excitement.

“You’re published!” John exclaimed, “You actually did it!”

It was a article Alexander had somehow managed to make pretty short (or perhaps they cut down a lot of his words), and John could tell it was in a smaller magazine in the city that was not too widely distributed, but John was so proud to see something that meant so much to Alexander.

“You didn’t even tell me you submitted anything!” John exclaimed, gently slapping Alexander’s shoulder.

Alexander shrugged, “It had been so long since my activism days in college and writing for the school newspapers, I didn’t know if I still had it in me...but you kind of put my confidence back...and you really inspired me.”

John felt his cheeks flushing. A beat passed between them.

“I’m just, really happy you pushed me to do this, and that you could help me out with my life direction. I wanted to do something to thank you” Alexander finished.

Alexander was close to him, John bit his lip.

Alexander’s eyes darted away at the sight.

“Look where we are.” Alexander suddenly exclaimed, putting a few feet between them.

John noticed that Alexander had dragged them right next to a really nice suit store.

John scoffed, a small smile on his face. “I can’t believe you planned this.”

“I actually didn’t!” Alexander protested, hands up in innocence “but I did want to find a place to take you. I figured you would need a new suit for all of your interviews.”

John blanched as he realized he absolutely would need a new suit. He had an old black one that had been smushed up and ignored in his bags for weeks. It was probably wrinkled beyond repair, at the very least not something that would make a good first impression upon any job interview he desperately needed to ace.

But this place looked _really_ nice.

John sighed. He knew Alexander was going to buy him a new suit. At this rate he knew better than to argue with Alexander once he was determined.

“You’re too nice to me.” Was all John could muster, looking down at Philip’s sleeping head. He really felt like kind of a shitty friend with Alexander having him live with him and treating him to so much, and all he could do was treat him to lunch.

“Hey, would you stop?” Alexander had a concerned look on his face as he walked back up to John, putting his hands on John’s shoulders, “You’ve done so much for me. Remember in high school? When you would buy clothes for me?”

John had forgotten about that, the memory hitting him like a tidal wave.

His dad would give him a budget for new school clothes, way more than what John needed.

With 5 kids, Henry Laurens didn’t have the time (or want, really) to accompany his kids to purchase so many clothes, which made John easily able to take Alex to the mall.

They split up after the mall, and John would bring the clothes home, just in case his dad asked to see what he got. They were the same size at the time, so it wouldn’t have aroused any suspicion.

John would then sneak Alexander’s outfits to him, and that way they both had new school clothes.

Alexander had protested then, but John would hear nothing of it. They were friends, and friends would do stuff for each other.

It was just a lot harder to accept being on the spectrum where it was John needing something from Alex.

“You never ever made me feel any less than you, so please stop putting yourself down so much. We’re friends, we help each other out.”

~~~

John didn’t really know where to go in a place like this. While his dad had money, fashion was not top of his concerns. Each of his sons had a slightly too big dark suit to wear for special occasions.

They got Philip’s carrier off so Alexander could hold him while John looked at his options. He made his way toward the black suits, rifling through the choices.

“You’re not interviewing to become a lawyer are you?” Alexander sarcastically asked.

“No,” John felt his face blush, “I just...didn’t you say I needed a suit?”

Alexander gave a bemused look, “Well yeah, but come on. This is so drab, and serious.”

“They look just like what you wear!” John countered.

“Exactly, and my job is too drab and serious,” John couldn’t stifle a giggle at that one, “You’re an artist. You’re a creative. And besides, You need something that speaks to you. Something that you feel the utmost confidence in, so whoever is interviewing you can feel just how confident you are.”

“I don’t really know what you mean in terms of a suit.” John asked.

“Go unconventional.” Was all Alexander told him.

John looked at the other options, tans and greys and whites, among other colors that John thought were just too out there for a job interview. He grabbed some options he didn’t think look bad, and found some button down shirts he thought looked ‘out there,’ and made his way to the dressing room.

But once he tried them on, none seemed to really speak to what Alexander was saying about something that makes him really confident, something that spoke to him.

Though he was also a bit distracted, as he could hear Alex playing with Philip from time to time. Playing with Philip’s toys together, talking to Philip about how cute he was, or the sentence that nearly killed him with its cuteness.

“Come on Pip, say ‘Alexander.’ Go on, say it.”

~~~

John was flabbergasted when he looked into the mirror. It had been awhile since his dad cut him off, all of his once-fashionable clothes had become quite worn, and he really didn’t spoil himself with new clothes often when there was Philip to care for.

This was just, wow.

He finally found a suit. It was tan, it hugged his body in a rather flattering way, and the color seemed to make his features stand out. But he needed to find a good shirt, he rifled through, his options, and found one Alexander had suggested to him. It was a button down, navy blue with small flower designs on it. It was unique, and he thought helped him stand out. The shirt hugged him perfectly too.

John stepped out of the dressing room, and caught Alexander’s eye.

Alexander was silent, mouth slightly agape.

“I...really love how I look in this. I actually feel really confident in myself.” John told Alexander, feeling a bit vulnerable in their talk as he couldn’t gauge if Alex liked or hated his outfit.

Alex was shaken out of his reverie at John’s confession.

“No, you look...you look perfect in that.” Alexander stood up, Philip on his hip, and made his way over to John. “And you should always feel that way. You’re incredible Laurens.”

While John had said he wasn’t an insecure high schooler anymore, there was something that made him feel special at Alexander’s kind words. Maybe he did need someone to bolster him up after his father made him feel so low.

Alexander’s eyes raked over John’s body, making him feel all too warm.

“It doesn’t fit you properly though, especially in the legs.” Alexander noticed.

John looked down, mortified at the thought of Alexander’s movements meaning anything else, and he could see that the pants were a bit baggy. However, he felt a small sense of sadness of putting back the suit that had spoken to him so.

“Yeah but, can I get it anyway?” John muttered.

Alexander smiled at him, “Yeah, of course! I didn’t mean you couldn’t get it, just that it would have to be tailored first.”

“Oh.” John muttered, still a little embarrassed at his lack of knowledge.

“Let me go grab him” Alexander said as he left the dressing room area.

~~~

“So how do you actually know about all this?” John asked Alexander as the tailor got to work, “I have never seen you care about what you wear this much...ever.”

Alexander laughed, “I honestly didn’t care either, but I was taught to appreciate the value of a good suit through Angelica.”

John looked confused, “You haven’t told me about her yet, is she your girlfriend?”

Alexander began to laugh hard, “Oh god no, she’s like a big sister to me. She helped me out through college, taught me how to dress to impress in the work world, and now we work at Washington Law Firm together. She’s also my favorite coworker.”

John felt a flicker of worry flash through him. This woman was like a sister to Alex, yet John had never heard of her? He thought they were all caught up in their lives. He briefly wondered if Alexander really cared about their friendship as deeply as John did, if Alexander kept things from him.

John shook his head to physically banish the thought, to the annoyance of the tailor. It really wasn’t either of their faults that they grew apart through adulthood, John had no reason to be jealous.

“Good to know.” John replied.

~~~

John braced himself back for the cold of the city, the darkness had fully settled in, and the temperature had kept dropping with it. John had Philip in his carrier, the diaper bag on one shoulder. They felt awkward back on his body, too long of a time off after dealing with the pain all day. But at least he didn’t have to carry the suit, with it needing to be tailored it would be a couple days before it was ready for pickup.

“This...everything...has just been too much Alexander. I really couldn’t ask for a friend better than you...thank you.”

John gripped Alexander’s shoulder with his free hand, truly appreciative of the man.

Alexander got a wide grin on his face, “Come on, there’s one more thing I have to take you to tonight.” Alexander exclaimed, a look of glee overcoming his face before he grabbed John’s arm and pulled John along.

The motion must have been too fast, because John moved his arm away from Alexander, and gripped his lower back and groaned, a sharp stab of pain made has way through his back. The light pain throughout the day with all he had to carry had become too much.

The jolting caused Philip to start crying.

Alexander took a few steps forward, before realizing John wasn’t following and turned around.

“You okay man?” Alexander asked, concern on his face.

“Yeah...yeah.” John muttered through gritted teeth.

“You’re not.” Alexander said through a stern tone, making his way to John and putting a hand on his shoulder, “what’s wrong?”

John sighed, and told Alexander how much his back hurt because of Philip, and how it was probably best to go home.

Alexander looked a little nervous, “Did you enjoy the day? I mean, do you want to go home in general, or is it just your back?” Alexander said it all in one go.

John decided to be completely honest.

“Yes Alexander, I loved seeing everything with you very much. This is the first time I’ve really been on a big outing since Philip was born. It’s just that my back hurts because the baby and the diaper bag weigh a lot, and I’ve been carrying them all day...I just can’t keep up the same pace as you.” John looked a bit ashamed. He thought of how much Alexander must have thought about what to do, and how to make the day special for the both of them.

Alexander seemed to mull over John’s answer.

“What if we take a break?” Alexander offered, “we could get some tea, sit down for awhile, and then I could take Philip afterwords? And see if you’re feeling well? It’s a fairly long subway ride anyway if you’re in this much pain.”

John cringed at the thought, this time a day finding a seat to sit down on the subway would be near impossible. Plus all the lurching from the subway’s stops would only aggravate his back more.

Alexander could see John’s hesitation, “Do you want to stay out a bit longer, or not?” Alexander asked.

John fondly rolled his eyes, “I would love to finish our day of sightseeing together.”

“Perfect!” Alexander exclaimed.

~~~

They quickly found a Starbucks, where Alexander sat John down, and took Philip to get a drink. Alexander not only brought him some tea, but some over the counter pain meds he had managed to run out and buy while the drink was being made.

John didn’t think anyone had ever cared for him so much. He sat down while Alexander entertained Philip, and he let himself relax for a bit.

Truthfully, after about an hour he felt his back getting better. And he really wanted to finish out the day how Alexander planned.

“Alexander, I’m ready to go out...do you think you can handle Philip?”

“Yes, yes!” I promise you won’t regret this!” Alexander exclaimed, trying and failing to put on the baby carrier correctly, to John’s great amusement.

~~~

“This is heavier than I thought” Alexander said, moving the straps on the sling to get his shoulders adjusted to the extra weight. Babies were surprisingly heavy. He wasn’t even carrying the diaper bag, as John felt fine enough to carry that on his own.

“We could go back” John replied.

Alexander gave him a devilish look, “Nonsense.”

They continued their walk, before Alexander went behind John, and covered his eyes the last block there. The position was awkward because of Philip, but John laughed through it.

“Is this really necessary?” John laughed.

“Yes.” Was all Alexander said.

John had a fond smile on his face as he let Alexander guide them, being careful not to let John run into anyone (or have anyone run into them) and guiding John if he needed to watch his step.

John had a feeling where they were going, but when Alexander announced that they were there, and pulled back his hands, John was shocked just at the grandeur of it.

“Oh...Alexander.” John exclaimed, as he realized that Alexander had brought him to Rockefeller Center to view the giant Christmas Tree.

The moment wasn’t picture perfect, a million tourists and other New York residents had the same idea as Alexander and John, but even from the distance the two men were at, the tree looked absolutely massive, and every inch of it looked to be covered in lights. The surroundings of other christmas lights on the ground and on the nearby planted trees just created a joyous atmosphere, and surrounded by tall buildings with lights of their own, John really felt the magic of the city in that moment. Standing there with his son and best friend, a new job on the horizon, John had never been so sure of his move working out until that moment.

“Thank you.” Was all John could muster.

Alexander chuckled, “Come on, I know a good spot to get closer.” As he started to walk forward into the crowd.

With Alexander holding Philip, as well as John having no navigational sense of the area, John didn’t want to lose them. He quickly grabbed onto Alexander’s upper arm, latching onto him as the throng of people got more crowded.

They were still pressed together when they came to an area that was much closer to the tree, but fairly clear of people. John stopped their steps when he noticed a woman who looked alone, she had a baby sling of her own, and seemed to be struggling to take a good photo of herself, her child, and the Christmas tree.

John understood the smaller struggles of single parenthood, and made his way over to her, a slightly confused Alexander in tow.

“Excuse me? Do you need someone to take a photo of you two?” John asked the woman.

She looked a little apprehensive until she saw Philip, and visibly relaxed. “Yes, I just can’t get a good angle...thank you.”

John took her phone and took a couple photos he thought looked pretty good of the woman and her child.

“Here you go.” He said, handing her her camera back.

“Thanks so much!” The woman exclaimed, “Oh here, let me, you all get in the picture!”

John turned to Alexander, and both men smiled and shrugged, it would be nice to have a proper photo of the three of them to remember the day.

John handed her his phone, and moved to stand to get the tree behind them, Alexander wrapped his arm around John’s shoulders, leaving John nowhere to put his hand except on Alexander’s lower back. He couldn’t feel anything really due to Alexander’s bulky coat, but the contact just felt so comfortable.

“Okay, got it!” the woman exclaimed, handing John his phone back.

“Thanks so much!” Alexander called to her.

“No problem! You two are such cute dads, you guys needed a family photo.” She finished, dashing off before John had a chance to react.

John stood there, in complete shock for a moment, it was pretty hard to deny they looked like anything else, one carrying the baby, and the other with the diaper bag, they had even been grasped close to each other.

But they really _weren’t_ anything else.

“She thinks we’re...oh gosh.” Alexander let out a loud laugh.

John didn’t say anything.

Alexander turned to John, his head tilted. “What do you think about all of that...” Alexander’s voice was actually husky, as he approached John, getting close and laying his hands on John’s shoulders.

“...hubby?”

John violently flinched away from Alexander’s grasp. It was one thing to have unrequited feelings, he could deal, but Alexander joking and pretending to come onto him when John was single and honestly feeling a little alone was just too much.

“Don’t ever do that.” John whispered as he turned to Alexander.

Alexander looked so hurt, eyes going wide and fingers going to his mouth as if to stop any words that might tumble out. “I didn’t mean...oh god I’m so sorry.” Words choked almost like he was repressing a sob.

John sighed, trying to get his emotions back under control. He didn’t want to ruin the day with his own insecurities, he knew Alexander wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt him, and god he had never seen Alexander look so apologetic.

He let out a small laugh, “It’s okay, just...I can see how she got confused. Our friendship...I think we’re close enough most people don’t get it.”

Alexander let out an awkward chuckle, the tension slowly ebbing away, “Yeah, our friendship is something else.”

“I am glad you don’t feel offended about it though.” John answered honestly.

Alexander turned to him, “Oh course not, I mean...Laurens, I wanted to ask you something.” He sounded a little hesitant.

“Yeah?” John asked, looking up and into Alexander’s large dark eyes.

“Well...I...don’t want to put you out, but I host a get together with my friends every month, and next weekend is the party.”

“Well...yeah, it’s no problem,” John felt the ease come back to their conversation, “Philip and I could go somewhere for awhile.” John meant it too, he didn’t want to hinder Alexander’s social life.

“No, I mean I wanted you to stay, meet my friends. I think you guys would all hit it off.”

_Oh._

John bit his lip. He could get along with a crowd fine in college, no real problem, but he felt like he had changed since Philip, had he become more dull? Out of the loop with current events he could talk about?

Plus, these were Alexander’s new friends, and he was the old one, would they really fit together? So many insecurities flitted through John’s head.

But then John turned to Alexander’s eyes, so big and pleading.

“Oh...that sounds good, Alexander.”

John already knew he would regret this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan on this being a Christmastime fic, but here we are.
> 
> The description of John's outerwear was inspired by this pic of Anthony Ramos because...woah https://i.pinimg.com/236x/10/f5/35/10f535c2e68a8374e13e748607b03eca--big-sis-the-younger.jpg
> 
> Also the button down shirt was inspired by this picture, I had a hard time describing it so if you were curious here it is https://americaneagleoutfitters.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/dsc_4327.jpg?w=672&h=1008


	7. Chapter 7

John could feel the tightening of his stomach with every sit up he completed.

It was Wednesday morning, the party only a few days away on Saturday evening. John had finished his run, and was trying to get some more of a work out besides just cardio. Philip was sitting nearby playing with a couple of his toys, and Alexander was getting ready for work. The awkwardness from that encounter at Rockefeller Center had mostly faded away. Nothing in their routine changed, though John did notice Alexander kept his distance more in their physical interactions. Sometimes he could actually see Alexander move to get closer, or to reach an arm out to John, only to abruptly stop his movements.

John missed the intimacy they shared, not realizing how comforting Alexander’s touches had been until he had been denied them.

Speaking of that day though, there was something Alexander still had forgotten to do.

“You still haven’t sent me your photos from last weekend.” John chided.

John had sent the photos he had with Alexander in them pretty quickly, but Alexander had had a few long days at work, but the honest truth was that he was forgetful. John had been pestering Alex about it for a few days now, because if he let it go too long, the photos would never get sent.

“Whine whine whine.” Alex smirked.

“Come on Alexander.” John whined, “I know you’ll forget.”

“Very true...here, you just do it really quick.” Walking by John, he stopped, and made a gagging noise, “And take a shower!” Alexander admonished, nose playfully wrinkled up as he tossed his phone onto John’s stomach.

John grabbed his shirt to give a quick sniff, and he scrunched his face, yeah okay maybe he really needed a shower.

“Don’t you need to use it first?” John asked as he took the shirt off, throwing it by his laundry pile, and moved to lounge on the couch while he waited for his turn in the shower.

“Ah shit.” Alexander muttered, making his way to the shower as John unlocked Alexander’s phone.

Alexander didn’t have many photos, so the ones taken on Saturday were the last ones on on his camera roll. John mass selected the photos to just quickly send to himself, mindlessly clicking until he realized he had accidently selected one that wasn’t taken that day. John went to deselect it, but soon grew confused, as he noticed that the photo was the snapchat photo John had sent.

It was a photo with hearts. It was supposed to be a joke how intimate it was, but yet Alexander had saved it to his photos.

The photo was supposed to disappear from the app after it was looked at, but instead Alexander had saved it to his camera roll.

Hearing the water stop, John quickly texted the photos to himself, and turned Alexander’s phone off. He felt shame rise at having been snooping through Alexander’s phone, but he was confused as to why Alexander would save it.

John didn’t want to bring this up and make things even weirder between them, but his head swirled to understand the why of all of this.

John found the snapchat photo saved on his own app, and messaged it to Lafayette.

[Attachment: 1 Image]  
[John]: I sent photo this as a joke to Alexander, is there any bro reason why he would have it saved?

[Lafayette]: There is none. He likes youuuuu!!

A facetime call alert from Lafayette promptly followed, and John cursed himself for sending this to Lafayette while Alexander was still home.

John contemplated not answering, but he knew Lafayette would not let up. He reluctantly answered the phone call.

“John I knew I was right-” Lafayette began to ramble as Alexander excited the bathroom.

“ _Lafayette, I’m here with with Philip and my roommate_.” John replied in french, stressing the last part of his sentence so Lafayette would take the hint that Alexander was in the room. John spoke french hoping Alexander wouldn’t catch on to their conversation if he used a different language, just in case Lafayette said anything John wouldn’t want Alex to know.

His eyes widened when he got the hint, “Oooh...then... _then I called to say you’ll never guess where I came from_.” Lafayette replied back in french, a smirk forming on his face.

“ _Where?_ ” John asked, when he noticed Lafayette holding up a bag from John’s favorite pastry shop.

“ _No fair! You’re back home without me?_ ” John replied, smile on his face. Lafayette knew the best restaurants and shops, and he had shown John many a time when John would accompany him on trips back home to France.

The two friends laughed, “ _Enough tormenting you, where is the baby?_ ” Lafayette asked.

“ _Over here!_ ” Alexander called back in french. John angled his phone so Lafayette could see the pair, Alexander had moved to the floor to play with Philip.

John’s skin paled.

“Ohhhh” Lafayette drawled, John could practically hear Lafayette’s eyes moving to take in Alexander, “ _You speak french?_ ”

“ _Yes of course,” Alexander said, “John knows I’m fluent._ ”

In all honesty, John had forgotten in their years apart, a bit embarrassed at his failed attempt at trying to disguise their conversation.

“ _Why do you hide stuff from me, John!_ ” Lafayette exclaimed, as Alexander moved to sit next to his friend. The two started jumping into an animated discussion about where they were from, then quickly moving on to French politics.

Honestly, it was kind of nice to see his two closest friends getting along. Lafayette always talked about coming for a visit, John liked to imagine the three of them out on the town.

“I’m out!” John replied in English, "I have never been one for French politics."

John handed his phone to Alexander

He was a little worried about leaving them alone for a conversation with Lafayette actually believing Alexander liked John, but he trusted Laf not to say anything that was too incriminating.

“I’m gonna take a shower. Philip should be fine, Alexander, keep an eye on him?”

Alexander nodded at John, as John left the room.

~~~

One shower later, and John walked out of the bathroom, towel around his waist, to see Alexander holding Philip while animatedly talking to Lafayette.

John made his way to the side of the couch, digging through his bag to get some clean clothes.

“You know you really have to get ready for work Alexander.” John chided, turning to Alexander when he didn’t hear any reply.

“Yeah.” Alexander finally replied, words clipped.

“Alright, well I should probably give you your phone back.” Alexander relented, getting up and handing John’s phone back to him, before crowding John’s space, “It was good to meet you Gil, we should all talk soon.”

_Gil?_

“Oui Alexander! Good luck at work!” Lafayette called, “Goodbye sweet Philip!” Alexander held Philip in front of the camera, and mimed a little wave to Lafayette.

“And goodbye dear John, we will definitely be talking soon.” Lafayette finished with a suggestive tone before exiting the call.

The two stared at the blank screen for a moment, before Alexander moved to put Philip back on the floor.

“He seems close with you and Philip,” Alexander commented, “and he’s cute.”

John scrunched up his nose. Yeah, it was pretty hard to deny that Lafayette was attractive, John certainly knew that, but Laf was honestly more like a big brother. He had helped John come out of his shell during college, and helped him embrace his sexuality after trying to repress it for so many years.

“I mean, yeah but he’s a brother to me. There is _nothing_ there.” John emphasized with his hands. Alexander trying to set him up on a date sounds like probably the worst idea ever.

Alexander nodded his head in understanding, smirk on his face. “He is a funny dude. Told me to make sure I was taking you out, and to make sure you were having fun, and to get you laid.”

“Oh god.” John leaned back and put his arm over his eyes. This was a million times worse than Alexander trying to set him up on his own.

“He said to either help you get laid, or a date. And I still don’t know your type.”

“I’m going to kill him.” John groaned, “Please go to work.”

~~~

“So who all is going to be at the party?” John asked Alexander that night over dinner.

Alexander playfully rolled his eyes, “You’ll meet everyone when they get here...so impatient.”

“I’m not impatient!” Laurens petulantly replied, realizing that he indeed sounded very impatient, “Oh come on! There’s like ten people I need to meet and remember, they only have one person to meet.”

“It’s not ten, and they have two people to meet.” Alexander corrected.

John looked confused.

“You and Philip.”

John took a sharp breath, “Can Philip maybe not meet everyone right away?”

“But why? He is so adorable, they know about him, I talk about him all the time.”

John flushed at the thought of Alexander telling people about Philip, pride on his face as he talked about how brilliant he thought the baby was.

“I want to make a first impression kind of on my own? I feel like they will just associate me as ‘the guy with the kid’ if they meet Philip and I at the same time. I could put him down to sleep in...your room maybe? Then everyone can drink and not feel weird about doing it with a baby there.”

Alexander looked to be seriously considering this, but John honestly thought Alexander looked a bit disappointed.

“Alright, fine,” Alexander relented, “but you will still have to wait to meet everyone at the party.”

John rolled his eyes, letting quiet settle over them.

“Is there anything I need to do to help with the party? Helping you make food or anything?”

Alexander laughed, “Nah, everyone knows what to expect by now. I will put out like, chips and salsa or something, and I keep the place pretty much as is.”

“Well then that settles it, I will make some actual food. Your dazzling personality might save your poor party planning, but I’ll need to make a better impression than that.”

Alexander ducked his head in laughter, before looking back at John. His dark eyes were alight with amusement, his pearly white teeth visible through his smile, and cheeks were tinged pink. John’s breath caught in his throat, his own cheeks a pink hue for an entirely different reason. He loved being what caused Alexander just light up like this.

“I’d appreciate it if you did, but I know you won’t have to. You forget about your own dazzling personality, you can really wow anyone.”

John probably could have died happy right then and there.

~~~

Dinner wrapped up, and Alexander was washing dishes as John got Philip ready for bed.

John wondered what he could do to help with the party besides just making some food. He knew it wouldn’t be a huge thing, but he figured he could do something to help Alexander tidy his apartment, the problem was it was strewn with papers and books that had no real place to go.

An idea struck John like lightning. He held Philip as he started browsing online for the perfect surprise for Alexander.

John was still on his phone when he noticed Alexander’s phone ringing. Alexander’s hands were covered in soap and water, so John figured he could bring the phone over to him.

John raised his eyebrows at the caller ID picture. It was a picture of Alexander giving this girl a kiss on the cheek. It looked to be an older photo, Alexander with his hair still long, and it looked fairly intimate.

The call was from a woman named Eliza.

John put Philip on the floor to go give Alexander his phone. Alexander paused the dishes, but startled a bit when he noticed the caller id picture too.

He gave Alexander a smirk, “she’s your girlfriend?”

In their high school years, John had been pretty jealous whenever Alexander got a new girlfriend. Not so much because of John’s hopeless crush, more because Alexander had even less time to to spend with the lonely teenager once a girl occupied his time.

But now, as grown adults who needed to lead their own lives anyway, John knew that Alexander having a girlfriend would be great for him.

And maybe John could stop crushing on Alexander so hard.

Alexander sputtered, and looked down with a small smile, “I thought I changed the picture, but she’s my ex. She’s amazing but...let me just answer it.”

Alexander quickly dried his hands and answered the phone, dashing to his bedroom for privacy.

John smirked as he finished buying the items on his phone.

~~~

Friday morning, after Alexander left, John’s surprises for him arrived.

They arrived around the same time, a bookcase and a file cabinet. Not just any bookcase, an antique one John had managed to find. It was old, and dark oak, matching perfectly with Alexander’s desk. It had intricately carved designs along the sides, and the top was adorned with carved woodland animals.

John remembered when Alexander would visit his house in South Carolina, he would be so amazed by the old wooden furniture, talking about the quality, and how the look was so classic it could last forever.

John would wave him off, not really seeing what Alexander saw in some stained pieces of wood, but remembering Alexander’s delight all the same.

The file cabinet was different, as wooden file cabinets reminded John too much of the 1970’s, so he got a sturdy particle board cabinet that still blended well with the larger pieces. John had them set up on the back wall by Alexander’s desk.

These had taken quite a chunk out of John’s savings, but he was confident in his ability to finally get a job, and wanted a grand gesture to really thank Alexander.

But it wasn’t enough to get the furniture pieces, John was going to sit down today and actually organize Alexander’s apartment. John hoped Alexander wouldn’t be mad at a rather personal intrusion. Alexander had always appreciated when John organized his backpack or room, enjoying the clean but not having the time to sit down and do it himself.

John was never one to clean up, his father had so many servants to do things for him, but there was still some form of personal organization John craved in the midst of a secret life he could barely contain.

For organizing the books, John put the ones Alexander was reading in the middle, the easiest grabbing distance. The new books went on the very bottom, and the well-worn ones that looked special went on the top, where they would be safest from Philip, who was starting to get grabby.

Alexander’s papers were a bit harder, but relatively easy to sort. John created basic folders like ‘Work’, and ‘Short Stories’.

But one note caught him off guard. The words looked flowery, shorter than the others, and he caught a line that said ‘by action rather than words to convince you that I love you.’

John found a few more like this, and smiled at the sensitive side to his friend. Alexander always was writing poetry to his girlfriends and love interests back in high school, John flushed with embarrassment when he remembered how badly he wanted Alexander to write for him.

John shook his head, and decided to be cheeky, putting them in a folder with a couple of hearts drawn as the label.

~~~

John turned to the door as he heard it open. He stood in the middle of the living room, heart racing. Alexander was rambling to John as soon as he entered, grocery bags in his hand, when he looked around in confusion, and finally noticed the bookshelf.

“Oh shit.” Was all Alexander said quietly, eyes wide. “Did you- Jesus John, did you really fix my apartment?”

John chuckled, “I didn’t fix your apartment, I just...” John gestured to the back wall, “yeah, I hope you like it”

Alexander slowly made his way over to the bookcase, gently running his fingertips over the wood

“All my books, and you remembered how I loved your old furniture...” Alexander looked over at John, lightly touching his shoulder, “Thank you John. This means...so much to me.”

John stared back, breathless, before Alexander quickly broke contact, turning away.

“And my papers?”

John took a deep breath, “They’re in here.” He said, gesturing to the file cabinet, “It was pretty easy to tell what was a political essay, work jargon, and your prose.” John finished suggestively.

“My...did you read any of them?” Alexander asked, looking rather frightened. John figured they were deeply personal to Eliza, or some other woman in Alex’s life.

John laughed, “Just the first word or two, I figured any work papers wouldn’t begin with ‘My Dear’”

Alexander flushed scarlet, but smiled along with John.

~~~

It was finally that dreaded Saturday. The party was in a couple hours away, and John and Alexander were getting everything ready. John was cooking in the kitchen, and Alexander was putting a plastic red tablecloth over his table, and began moving the alcohol over from the kitchen to the small dining table.

“This isn’t like, an ugly sweater level christmas party, is it?” John asked as Alexander set up.

“Nah, it’s really just a good excuse to drink vodka with reindeer antlers on.” Alexander clarified, holding up some festive headbands for John to see.

John laughed as he took a break from the vegetable chopping to go over to view the spoils for the evening.

“Now this is a serious party.” John excitedly replied, viewing the setup of hard alcohol. He planned on drinking, but not getting anymore than buzzed as he would still need to take care of his son.

“That it is.” Alexander replied, sliding an elf-hat headband into his hair as John let out a giggle.

“Kay, so the chicken is cooking, and I’m gonna lay Pip down for the night.” John said.

Alexander rushed over to them, giving Philip a kiss on the head, causing John’s heart to restrict at their closeness “goodnight little guy...also, Laurens?”

John turned to Alexander, who smirked, “You called him Pip.”

John groaned, “Nooooo, I didn’t want your dumb nickname to stick!”

Philip and Alexander both laughed at John’s theatrics.

“You think that’s funny?” John asked his son, turning him around so that they were face to face, his tiny green eyes crinkled in amusement, “You think it’s funny? Now you’re stuck with a nickname _I_ don’t even like.”

John gave Philip a bottle, and thankfully he went to bed pretty quickly. They had moved his bassinet into Alexander’s room for the night, and John had moved some bottles and a formula pitcher into Alexander’s room too, so he wouldn’t have to disrupt the party by running around to get baby items when Philip inevitably started to cry.

John turned on the white noise machine and hoped Philip would be quiet for just _one_ night.

~~~

Angelica was the first to show up. She was quiet enough coming in that John didn’t even hear anything at first.

“Alex, were you robbed, Because the amount of junk in your room is significantly less than before.”

“Haha.” Alexander deadpanned, going over and giving Angelica a kiss on the cheek, “The burglar is my amazing new roomate, actually. Except he did a poor job of stealing my shit. He just relocated it to the back.”

Angelica gave an appreciative nod as John came out of the kitchen to meet her, spatula in hand.

“I’m the burglar.” John announced, making his way over to her with a hand outstretched. She was really beautiful, held herself in really regally, but her eyes scared John a bit, as if they could see into his soul and read his thoughts.

“So you’re John.” Angelica’s face grew soft as she shook his hand.

“Yes, I’m sure Alexander has bragged about me enough.” John smirked.

“You definitely are as gorgeous as he says.” John blushed and Alexander ducked away, not expecting a response like that.

“Let me get that for you.” John noticed her grocery bag and moved to take it. Mostly for manners, but it would get him out of a conversation that made John feel strange.

“Thanks. It’s just some tonic and limes for my famous gin and tonics!”

“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” John announced, getting a laugh from Angelica.

John set the tonic on the table, thumbing through the festive headbands next , “Hey I actually need one of those, it’ll keep my hair out of my face while I cook.”

Alex smirked and chose a pair of reindeer antlers.

But instead of simply handing it to John, Alexander put it on John himself, gently sliding it through his curls.

It felt nice, John thought, having Alexander be close to him again.

John stared at Alexander, and their eyes met.

Alexander quickly ducked away, and John turned toward Angelica, staring at them with an unreadable expression.

John quickly went back to the kitchen, setting the limes down, and finishing the food.

John could hear their conversation as they continued to set up in the living room, “You gonna go crazy tonight?” Alexander asked her.

“Nah, I’m heading into work with you tomorrow. Gotta take it pretty easy.” Angelica replied.

“Ah, so you’re the one that got stuck with me.”

“You guys have to work on a Sunday?” John called to them, face scrunched in displeasure, especially with how hard Alexander worked the rest of the week.

“To my displeasure, probably not to Alex’s though.” John laughed, but he knew Alexander had actually been wanting to move away from his work duties to focus more on his writing, “We’ve gotta work on this big case against Aaron Burr’s client, we really need to get our hours in, we don’t know what that snake is up to.”

“Ooh, you might want to lessen up on the Burr hate, he’s actually coming tonight.”

John poked his head up in interest, Alexander had mentioned many of the friends who were coming, but Burr was a new name to him. He also noticed the look of disgust on Angelica’s face.

“I’m sorry, why did you invite him? Or do you have some secret plan to one up him at work?” Angelica asked.

Alexander laughed, “Like I would need one of those to keep besting him. But no, Ange, I don’t have some secret plan. He can be a bit of a wet blanket, but I mean, I feel kind of bad. I don’t think he has too many close friends. And he’s not that bad. He was my first friend when I came to The City.”

John’s stomach lurched as Alexander talked about this Burr like this. Inviting him only out of pity. How many friends did Alexander keep around out of pity?

_Was John one of those friends?_

John shook the offending thought out of his head. Alexander and him were close, really close, he was just on edge because of their fight last week.

John finished the food, thankfully placing it just in time for another knock on the door to interrupt John’s thoughts.

~*~*~

This was the second party Alexander and John had gone to together.

The first one was at the end of their 11th grade year.

Alexander had miraculously climbed the social ladder very quickly, even with John being his friend. As much as the southern students probably wouldn’t have taken well to a Caribbean immigrant, Alexander and his determination and charisma proved to be too much for people to dislike him.

But he never forgot John. While Alexander was busier with various clubs and new friends, he always made time for John. They spent time together in various ways, but what John enjoyed most, was that everyday they had lunch together.

John did not rise in popularity with Alexander, but bullies mostly left him alone now, as they knew better than to mess with Hamilton’s friend.

John was glad though. He knew how everyone still thought of him and his “lifestyle,” and wouldn’t want to be friends with people who were fake around him.

Which is why he is left sputtering when Alexander invited John to a party, one to celebrate the end of the school year.

John was apprehensive, and tried to give excuses, but Alexander just seemed so insistent that John would have a good time. His brown eyes went wide, pleading with John, and John was weak against Alexander.

John tried to stay close, but of course, everyone wanted time with Alexander, and a ‘be right back’ turned into over an hour where John was alone.

He grabbed a red solo cup filled with brown liquid, and began to drink his nerves away.

He was accustomed to tasting his father's expensive wine and scotches, but this liquid tasted disgusting, and had been diluted with juice or some cloyingly sweet liquid that made John feel nauseous on its own, but he still kept drinking.

John felt sick, the loud music, the people he hated, the cheap alcohol, it finally got to him.

John ran to the front porch, and leaned over to puke in the bushes. Unfortunately, a fair amount of kids were milling around on the front patio, and noticed John’s humiliation.

“Oh god, who invited Laurens?” He heard one of the burly jocks said in disgust, a chorus of similar taunts followed.

John was always one to stand up to a bully, to fight back, but tonight, it was too much. He was sick and alone, somewhere he really didn’t belong. He felt tears prick his eyes, more humiliation for his classmates to bear witness.

“Is there a problem?”

John nearly felt like crying in relief as Alexander walked out onto the porch.

The group quieted down some once Alexander arrived. John didn’t know these people, if they were even friends with Alexander, but they probably knew better than to escalate a fight with someone as popular as him.

“We were just wondering who the hell would invite Laurens to a party. He clearly can’t handle it.”

“I did. He’s with me. He’s _my Laurens._ ”

John felt his stomach tighten at the bold use of affection, Alexander had never called John... _his_ before.

Or maybe his stomach felt weird because of something else.

John threw up over the railing again, the heckle of jerks only got louder. Alexander made his way over to John, hand splayed on John’s back.

“He’s sick you pricks! I’ll take him home.”

John tucked his head into Alexander’s shoulder, as Alexander lead John from the house.

That doesn’t mean the taunts stopped.

“Careful Alex, don’t let John take advantage of you!” Some guy called out.

John felt his blood run cold.

He could feel Alexander’s hand clenching tightly on the back of John’s shirt. He could feel Alexander move to go back there, to yell at them, to beat them up, something for John’s sake.

John used all his energy to grab onto Alexander, keeping his spot tucked into Alexander’s neck.

“Don’t.” Was all John could quietly mutter. He didn’t want the situation to get any worse, or Alexander to suffer anymore because of him.

Alexander took John’s keys, and dumped John as carefully as he could into the passenger seat.

Alexander was fuming as he got into the drivers seat, “-that comment doesn’t even make sense! I’m taking care of you, how could you take advantage of me? I swear he has another thing coming-”

“You don’t have to go.” John said weakly, “You were having fun, before I ruined it.”

Alexander turned to him, a curious expression on his face, before his hand rested on John’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry...you didn’t know anyone there, I shouldn’t have left you alone for so long. You mean so much to me, and with what they said to you...I’m just...let me take you to my place to sleep off the alcohol. My cousin won’t care if you’re drunk.”

John nodded, letting his head hit the cool glass of the window.

“I really am sorry.” Alexander repeated quietly as he started the car.

~*~*~

Thankfully, this party was going better.

While Alexander still flitted about from person to person, or group to group, he did check in with John pretty often.

But also thankfully, the people in this room were not petty high schoolers, they were actually pretty cool.

Hercules had barged in like a like a hurricane of energy, Peggy Schuyler arrived with her girlfriend Maria in tow, and then, there was Eliza. She was beautiful, with her dark features and high cheekbones, a quiet energy that combated well against Alexander’s loud nature. She really did seem perfect for him.

Aaron Burr showed up last, late to the point Alexander was starting to doubt he was going to come.

They all seemed to like John well enough, and certainly a lot more once they tasted his food, spicy chicken and veggie skewers, with a caprese salad.

Angelica had taken a big group selfie, Alexander pressed close to John. Angelica got his number and sent him the picture afterwards.

[Attachment: 1 Image]  
[John]: PLEASE stop harassing Alexander about me meeting people now

[Laf]: Ooooh that guy in the back is cute, whats his @?

John paused for a moment, before realizing he was talking about Hercules.

[John]: I am not setting you up with Alexander’s friends after just meeting them

[Laf]: If you insist on being difficult

[Laf]: I will find out through other ways ; )

John smiled, a sort of melancholy feeling hit him then.

[John]: I really do miss you Laf. It’s weird hanging out without you. I hope you visit soon

[Laf]: Aw mon ami

[Laf]: You know how much I want to go to New York

[Laf]: I’ll be with you soon <3

[Laf]: Going to bed now, tell me about the debauched party tomorrow ; )

John rolled his eyes and pocketed his phone. There was some atmospheric music in the background as John made his way to everyone, learning about Hercules’ tailor business, Angelica’s favorite books, and Peggy’s new tattoo. Everyone was getting increasingly more drunk, but thankfully everyone was still conscious.

Philip would cry every now and then, John would quickly dip into the bedroom before leaving once his son was fine.

It was leaving the bedroom that John found himself cornered by Burr, who held out a hand for John to shake.

“Hi there, John Laurens, right?”

From what he had heard, John didn’t know what to make of Burr, boring, but yet a snake in the grass. John was worried he might say something to be used against Alexander. Still, John knew nothing of Alexander’s cases, and there was nothing John could offer to give Burr ammunition against him.

John held out his hand, “Yep. Aaron Burr, I assume?”

Burr nodded, “Alexander tells me you have a son?”

John nodded.

“That’s refreshing to hear in this group of party animals. I have a daughter myself.”

“Really?” John asked, the subject of fatherhood an easy enough topic to keep a conversation going for awhile.

They talked, and John learned all about Theodosia (Burr’s daughter), while also learning of Theodosia (Burr’s wife).

Burr seemed a little too cool, guarded perhaps, but John found himself enjoying the conversation well enough.

Alexander came over to the pair, wrapping an arm around Burr’s shoulder.

“Burr! I’m still so glad you could grace us with your presence.” John snickered at Alexander’s antics, “How are The Theodosia’s?”

Burr seemed annoyed with Alexander, which only served to make John have to stifle his giggles harder.

“They are fine, thank you for the invite Alex.”

“Hey no problem!” Alexander turned his attention to John, leaning close to him “You doing okay Laurens?”

John felt the warm glow on his cheeks, some from being pleasantly buzzed, some was because of _Alexander_. It was good to see him in an environment where he flourished so, the alcohol making him be physically close to John again.

“I’m doing fantastic Alexander, now get back to your party.”

Alexander gave John a warm smile before disappearing back into the fray.

“It’s odd that you call him Alexander.”

John didn’t realize he was still staring at Alexander until Burr’s voice called his back to attention.

“Why?” John asked, confused, “it’s his name, isn’t it?”

Burr shrugged, “He absolutely hates when anybody calls him that, is why. He insists on being called Alex once he gets on friendly terms with someone.

John blanched, a cold feeling making its way down his neck.

“I was surprised at the invite. He knows these parties aren’t really my scene, he probably just wanted us to get along, since we are the only parents he knows, it get us out of his hair maybe.” Burr turned his head to survey the scene.

John felt his throat constrict. The anxieties he had been harboring for a few days threatened to boil over.

Alexander broke John’s reverie by triumphantly holding a board game box, “Apples to Apples time!”

~~~

John was distracted the whole game, which was a shame, as almost everyone there was absolutely hilarious, and a lot of fun.

In the end John didn’t do great, but he didn’t lose as badly as Burr, who could only mutter how much he hated the game.

Burr left when people started getting seriously drunk, much to John’s relief. Their conversation had left John rattled, and with everything that had happened previously, John was wondering just how highly Alexander thought of him. Was this living situation all out of pity?

John kept mingling to distract himself, finding that he actually connected the easiest with Peggy Schuyler. She was Angelica and Eliza’s baby sister, and the only Schuyler sister who wasn’t circling around Alexander’s orbit.

John and Peggy seemed to be so identical, they had both grown out of intensely awkward stages as teenagers, both art majors, both gay as hell, and Peggy was the black sheep of her family too. She hadn’t gone to the same college her older sisters had, and her parents weren’t exactly thrilled. However, she was still close with them, and they supported her, which is where John and Peggy differed greatly.

After getting on to the topic of how they each knew Alexander, John decided to ask her the question that had him so curious. “So what’s the deal with Alexander and Eliza? They still seem so close but nobody is telling me anything about them.”

Peggy ran her hand through her short curls, playfully tousling the hair as she looked at where Eliza and Alexander were now, in a corner talking, faces obscured.

“I mean, they _were_ so close, they dated for a few years in college, and then kind of fizzled out. They’ve been on and off for awhile now, but he broke it off for good pretty recently.”

“For good? Dang, I was trying to hook them up.”

Peggy sighed, shaking her head at John, “He is closest to Angelica and Eliza, but he confides in me, tells me things he doesn’t want them to know. He talks about you a lot, so I’ll just tell you this now to stop any reunification plan you may have. Alex dumped her because he said he can’t give his heart fully to her, and it’s not fair that she wait for him to sort his feelings out.”

John’s eyes went wide. Alexander hadn’t ever talked to John about hookups or romantic interests ever since they met up again, so he didn’t know who Alexander could be into. Especially from what little he saw, Alexander and Eliza seemed to care about each other so much.

“She told me that it sounded like he loved someone else. Obviously Angelica was about to beat him up if he cheated on Eliza, but he swore he never cheated on her. Personally, I think he just met a new guy or girl that he is really into.”

An actual slap to the face probably would have shocked John less.

“I’m sorry, but Alexander is into guys?”

“Yeah...he’s bisexual?” Peggy ended her sentence like a question, “He’s out to everyone here...he didn’t tell you?”

John felt his throat constrict, his breathing felt labored, when all he could mutter was a simple, “No.”

A painful silence lapsed, as Peggy’s eyes grew wide, a look of realization on her face.

“I should go tell Alexander you know.” Peggy sputtered.

“Peggy, wait!” John begged, but she slipped by.

John stood frozen to the spot, watching as Peggy made her way to Alexander

He saw Alexander’s eyes turned to him, before Alexander turned to Peggy, and looked to be comforting her, touching her shoulder and giving her a small smile.

The roomy apartment suddenly felt too small, too cramped. He felt like he had just tasted some cheap drink for the first time and was about to throw up in the bushes.

Except there were no bushes outside. He wasn’t near drunk, and Alexander wasn’t going to come over and save him like he had when they were teenagers.

He saw Alexander start to make his way over, before Angelica gently grabbed John.

“Hey, I can hear your baby through the door.”

John felt like hugging Angelica for the built in excuse to step away, “Thank you.” John stressed, before quickly making his way to the bedroom.

John went into the room, cool and dark against John who felt like he was on fire.

He gently patted his sons back, he wasn’t truly hungry, just needing some help to get back to sleep. As John sat comforting his son, there was only one thought on his mind.

_Why_ had Alexander hid his sexuality from John? That was a pretty big fucking development that had been skipped over the hours they had spent catching up.

Why didn’t he want to tell John something that was so important about himself? Something John could relate to? Something that seemingly everybody else knew about.

John was worried about where he and Alex stood after his interactions with Burr, but John felt more certain than ever.

Alexander was just taking pity on him, and didn’t see John as a true friend.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank everyone for the high amount of likes and kudos I got last chapter! You all have no idea how happy it makes me to read over every comment, I really value them all.
> 
> This chapter is short, but I hope you enjoy!

“John?”

The door to Alexander’s bedroom opened slightly, allowing in a beam of light into the dark room. John turned his head toward the source, and saw Alexander standing in the doorway, his voice meek, and his posture making him seem small.

“John, is everything okay? You’ve been here for awhile.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” John said curtly, letting the conversation lapse. He was the last person John wanted to talk to about things being okay.

“Look,” Alexander started, “about what Peggy said-”

“No.” John admonished.

“...No?” Alexander questioned, “John we can’t just let this go-”

“Do you really want to do this here? With all of your friends right here?” Anger seeped into John’s hushed tone in a way it almost never did for Alexander.

Alex didn’t say anything. John got up from his spot near Philip and stood by the door.

“Just wait until we are alone, just... _please_.” John begged, unable to stop his voice from breaking at the last word.

Alexander bit his lip, looking at John in the doorway

“Alright.” Alexander whispered as John slipped past the door.

~~~

John mercifully felt like he acted fine for the rest of the party. He did his best to avoid Alexander, which was easy with so many people to pull their attention away.

He shot a quick text to Lafayette, hoping that he would be up, but knowing the time difference, John knew he probably wouldn’t get a reply until he woke up the next morning.

[John]: I need you. Big news with Alex, it is REALLY not good

John sent it, emotions swirling, too buzzed and emotional to realize if he was being too dramatic.

~~~

Angelica was the last to leave.

Peggy and Maria had gotten insanely drunk, and Hercules promised to take them home safely, much to Angelica’s relief, who was tending to Eliza, who was pretty intoxicated herself.

Eliza had pretty much remained glued to Alexander and Eliza the whole time, John figured she was shy as well, and two introverts didn’t always make conversation easy.

Yet, Eliza had walked up to John a little before she left, and stuck out her hand, “Bye John, it was lovely to meet you. Treat Alex well.” She shook his hand, and stared at him for a long while.

John was puzzled, attributing her odd behavior to just being a bit too drunk. “Yes, goodbye Eliza, I hope to see you soon.”

Alexander had remained glued to Angelica as he walked her out, Eliza calling for her from outside Alexander’s door.

He gently closing the door behind her as Angelica called out her goodbyes.

Silence passed through the apartment, Alexander stood staring at the door, before John quickly moved to start putting things away.

“John.”

John ignored Alexander as he moved about the room, picking up all the goofy headbands that had long been discarded.

“John please...John!”

“I don’t understand you, Alex!” John shouted, slamming the headbands on the table, much to Alexander’s surprise, “If you want me here out of pity to help me out, just say so. This week, this month, has been so confusing! Don’t pretend to like me and be good friends with me just to make me feel like shit when I realize I was wrong.”

“ _What?_ ” Alexander repeated, so slow and confused like he couldn’t even comprehend what John had said.

“How could you think that? I-” Alexander could only stutter, moving closer to John as John moved back. Alex stopped in his tracks, “I’m not _pretending_ to be your friend, John.”

John scoffed, “Oh please, you’ve been acting weird for so long now. You never told me about your close friends, you were always overly touchy with me, just for you to tease me about being gay last weekend. Or talking about how you took pity on Burr to invite him to your party because him and I would get along so well, and...you’ve never told me to call you Alex.” John finished, mumbling, “Which you apparently do to all of your friends, I apparently am not one.”

Alexander’s eyebrows were drawn down, a confused look on his face, unresponsive to John.

“Answer me Alex!” John yelled, snapping Alexander of his reverie.

“Please...don’t call me Alex, not because of all that.” Alexander said quietly. “I think there is a misundersta-”

“I don’t want to hear about misunderstandings now,” John snapped, “and have you trying to talk your way out of a situation, so let’s start with something that has a direct answer. How long did you know you were bisexual?”

There it was. The question was out in the open now.

Alexander shifted on his feet, “I thought...since high school.”

John turned away, shaking his head in disbelief.

“But I didn’t know for sure until college!” Alexander pleaded, coming closer to John. John scoffed, that dismissal stopped Alexander, bitterness rising within him now. “Why are you acting like you’re entitled to know my sexuality anyway?”

John whipped around to look at Alexander, a sharp glare on his face, “I don’t think I’m _entitled_ to know. It’s not like you were uncomfortable about coming out, everyone in that room knew! They’ve all known for years, and I’m the only one who didn’t.” John tried desperately to blink away the tears, “I’m the last person to know that about you, when you were the first person to know about me.”

Alexander seemed to realize his mistake, “I didn’t hide it from you out of spite!” Alex pleaded, “You were _so_ determined to stay in the closet until after college, your tuition depended on that! Besides, your dad always had it out for me, if he actually knew that his suspicions were right, I never would have seen you again, and that would have killed me!”

John was still angry, the alcoholic buzz he had made his mental filter weaker than it normally would have been, “So what? You got to be happy in high school because you looked straight while not giving a fuck about me?”

A genuine flicker of hurt crossed Alexander’s face, making John recoil.

“That...was really hurtful John.” Alexander seemed to start to get anger of his own, “But you never came out in high school either, don’t act like it was only me who was in the closet!”

“Oh please!” John scoffed, “everyone knew. It was so obvious, I didn’t need to come out, everyone saw right through me. Except my father, of course.”

“That’s right, you didn’t even come out to your father until you graduated college, so don’t act like I was the only one hiding something!”

A tense silence filled the room.

“I didn’t come out at my college graduation.” John meekly replied.

Alexander looked at him, confused, “What? But you told me, about the art major-”

“Yeah, I told him about the art major, and we became estranged after that. But he didn’t fully cut off all contact until,” John breathed deeply. He might as well bare his soul if he was asking Alexander to do the same.

“There was this girl I knew, we were at a party, and I was feeling so down about myself, I couldn’t get any relationship to stick, and I hoped just maybe I could try to enjoy being with a woman, and...it didn’t work, but Philip was the result of that evening.”

Alexander’s expression was unreadable, but most of the anger seemed to leave his face, “Once Martha and I learned about the pregnancy, I felt so directionless, so lost. I just needed someone to talk to, someone who knew what to do in a situation like this. So I decided to call my father.”

John could hear Alexander inhaling deeply.

“There was no one else I knew who was a parent, even though he treated me so...” John trailed off, unable to properly articulate his feeling toward his father, “but he was still my dad, and I really had no one else to turn to. So I called him and told him about the pregnancy. He called me an idiot, and said there was only one option, and that I needed to marry the girl, and then I could work to be back in his good graces. I had talked to Martha, neither of us wanted that life at all. I tried to tell him that that wasn’t an option, that we wouldn’t do it, but he was _so_ insistent, calling me a failure and a disgrace, and finally I snapped at him that even if Martha did want to get married, I could never marry her because I’m gay.”

John could still remember his tears, and the deafening silence on the other side of the phone as he waited for his dad’s reaction, hoping against hope it wouldn’t be as bad as he thought.

Alexander moved to stand right in front of John, but didn’t touch him.

“Instead of being angry, his tone was cold, which scared me even more. He told me...he...told me that me that me and any _spawn_ of mine was dead to him, and he completely cut me off after that.”

A tense silence filled the air. Alexander was staring at John, but John didn’t have it in him to look back.

“I’ve never felt as alone as I did after. When Lafayette heard about everything, he flew back in from France, helped me get my act together, but then he had to go home. And I was going to be a father, and I really had no one else.”

Alexander took a deep breath, letting the revelation settle over them.

“I’m sorry John... _god_ ,” Alexander’s voice sounded raw, “I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t have called me.”

John shook his head sadly, not expecting that reaction, “Alexander, we hadn’t talked for years at that point.”

“I wouldn't have cared. I assumed you moved on, had new friends, were living it up in England. If I had any idea you felt even a fraction of that sadness, I would have called you immediately.”

“Why?” John asked, confusion apparent.

“Because...you’re wrong about me. I care for you so much...and I never stopped caring about you...”

He gently grabbed John’s wrists, John didn’t flinch or pull away, staring right into Alexander’s eyes.

“ _My Laurens_.” Alexander whispered.

John’s heart clenched, and he let out a shuddering breath. Alexander was indecipherable, a mystery John couldn’t seem to unravel. Yet, years of desire flooded into John at that moment, and he was absolutely a weak man.

John kissed Alexander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYY ; )


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the rating change!

~*~*~

That had been the fourth time Alexander had called John ‘My Laurens.’

The first time was at the high school party, where John had woken up in Alexander’s bed afterwards, and nearly convinced himself that the interaction didn’t happen.

The third time was over Skype.

At first, John had adjusted well to the university, and his new country. His roommate was Lafayette, who had quickly become a close friend. And with John’s dad a whole country away, he was finally able to relax, and be himself.

That didn’t mean he didn’t miss Alexander like crazy. Even with how often they texted and called, there would be overwhelming times with John desperately wishing Alexander was there with him to start this new chapter in their lives, sometimes aching for Alexander’s presence, his touch...

But what helped John get through his first year of school was the knowledge that summer would come, and they would be together in South Carolina. Alexander’s cousin already agreed that Alex could stay as long as he paid rent, and Alexander had been saving his money to buy the plane ticket to go home. The plan was in place, and John and Alex were so excited.

 

John was up past midnight, eyes red as he read the same paragraph in his textbook 3 times, but he was obviously just not going to understand it tonight. Just as he started contemplating calling it quits, his phone rang. John’s face lit up in a smile when he noticed it was Alexander calling. Lafayette was out, so John didn’t feel guilt answering a call so late.

“Hey, Alexa-” John’s words got cut off.

“John, I’m sorry if this is a bad time, but it’s kind of urgent.”

“Yeah, of course Alex,” Worry seeping into John’s tone, “Are you alright?”

“Yes- I mean no- I mean-” Alexander let out a sigh, “It’s my cousin...he killed himself.”

John’s eyes widened. Alexander and his cousin were not close, it was no secret between the two that Alexander was only being hosted by his cousin for the government benefits. Still, he had taken in Alexander when he had no one else, and he was never violent or abusive to him. Even John had his share of thankfulness for him for the nights he crashed at Alexander’s house, especially as his dad got stricter about Alexander coming over at all. The feelings must be hitting Alex in a difficult way.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you. I had no idea he was suffering, but hopefully he’s found peace.”

John could only agree, and Alexander grew silent on the other line.

“There was...another reason I wanted to call you, John.” Alexander said, tone thick with hesitation, “I know he didn’t care about me too much, but someone needs to see to his affairs, so I’m going to go back to South Carolina during spring break to take care of things.”

“Okay-” John started to reply.

“And, I can’t come back during the summer, I don’t think I can go back again.”

John shakily inhaled.

“I mean, with him gone, I would have nowhere to stay if I went back- as much as I know you would have me stay with you, we both know your father would never allow it. No one would rent to me for only a couple months, and I can’t afford a motel. I’m also using all my flight savings to go back now, and I won’t have the money for it by the time summer rolls around.” Alexander talking so quickly, like he couldn’t get the explanation out fast enough.

John could barely register what Alex was saying. A deep shiver ran through his body, all he could hear was the blood rushing through his ears, and the lifeline of making it to see Alexander at summer was severed.

“Oh.” John’s voice was strangled, his mind desperately trying to come up with another plan, this could not be happening.

“Maybe I could go see you in New York?” John offered.

“Yes you should!” Alexander exclaimed, before his voice got more sober, “I mean, yeah I would love to see you, but...this really changes things for me. I will need to stay and get another job, to afford rent, and as long as I’m stuck here, I’m going to take some summer classes. So I mean I could still see you, but I don’t really have the time I was planning on having like before.”

John’s face flushed, feeling like he had overstepped his bounds during a difficult time for Alexander, “Oh, I’m sorry Alex. I didn’t mean to insist upon you.”

“No, don’t apologize!” Alexander emphasized, before growing more quiet, “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling? Or...”

John steeled himself, the last thing Alexander needed after a family member died was John making it all about him, and how much he needed Alex.

“No, Alexander I’m fine. I get it, my father will probably keep me busy this summer anyway.”

“Oh...yeah, I’m glad then.”

John stayed quiet, for once not knowing what to say to Alexander.

“I probably called you at a bad time, I should go.” Alexander meekly offered.

“Yeah...but you know, call me if you need me.” John finished as an afterthought. Their conversation stilted and brief in a way it hadn’t ever been before.

 

That summer had been the worst in John’s recent memory. Not only was he cooped up at home, but he was now an outsider in his small town more than ever with his ‘fancy’ European education. But worst of all, everywhere John went reminded him of Alexander.

By some miracle, Lafayette had found John a last minute internship over in London, and even though it sounded dull, John was just relieved to get away from the painful memories.

Alexander had called him a couple weeks into John’s early return, asking about how he was holding up in South Carolina, only for John to cut him off to say he was back in Europe. Alexander’s voice sounded distant at the news.

The calls and texts faded, at first it was John not wanting to bother Alexander after the tragedy, then their new friends, classes, and clubs got in the way, and eventually, John just didn’t know what to say.

It hurt, the pain of a lost friend, especially ones who used to be as close as Alexander and John. But John had steeled himself, gotten new friends, new dates, and he was mostly over it. They were in their third year of college now, it was time to get over juvenile things like this.

And then John had received a message from Alexander out of the blue, asking if they could skype together.

Unlike how John would someday be seamlessly able to talk to Lafayette, this was in the early days of video calls, and a continent separated them. In other words, it usually turned into a laggy pixelated mess before the call dropped.

John’s heart swelled with hope at the message. As much as he wanted to get over it, convincing himself he didn’t need Alexander, John eagerly wanted this final attempt of rescue for their friendship.

[John]: Yea sure, wht time?

 

John’s heart raced as the shrill alert of the skype tone sounded over his laptop. John quickly checked his hair, the angle of the camera, all to make sure he looked good.

Realizing he was being ridiculous, John finally accepted the call. It took a bit for the screen to load, but finally, there he was.

John’s face broke into a wide smile upon seeing him again, goosebumps rippling across his skin like pebbles thrown on the surface of a lake.

“Alexander.” John breathlessly said.

“It’s good to see your face.” Alexander smirked. “So, um...how have you been?”

There was so much to talk about. Too much, actually. They knew so little about each other now, and with just a short time to talk, it was impossible to maintain a conversation properly. John could feel how it felt off, their camaraderie not quite there.

John’s heart felt like lead.

“You’ve been there a few years now, is New York everything we dreamed?” John asked.

Alexander gave a humorless chuckle, probably wondering how to condense three years worth of life experience into a single question.

“Well, the rent is certainly not what I dreamed of, neither is the gentrification, but honestly? Yeah, I really love it here. I don’t think I want to live anywhere else...I really hope you can visit someday, John.”

John gave a deep sigh. Truth is, he still desperately wanted to go to New York. It was an amazing city for artists, there was so much to do, but most of all, the city represented everything John wanted. Fresh starts, being free to be yourself, and how anyone belonged there.

John remembered that having Alexander by his side in New York used to be another one of his reasons. But the thing was, it wasn’t for Alexander anymore, and that realization hurt him.

“I mean, I would love to, one day, I’m sure we’re both really busy though.”

Alexander nodded, “Yeah, yeah that’s really true.”

John looked down, desperately wishing for things to be different, to come up with some topic or phrase that would spark one of the conversations they used to have, that John so often missed.

“John?” Alexander asked, John looked up, “You’ll always be _my Laurens_ , okay?”

John felt his throat closing up, his ability to speak betraying him as all he could do was nod his head. He felt powerless in the face of the finality of their friendship.

“Good.” Alexander said, voice sounding strained too, or perhaps it was the poor connection. “I’ll talk to you soon?” The words were hollow, and John had a feeling deep down that they would in fact not be talking soon.

“Yeah, of course.” John replied, staring at the pixelated image of Alexander’s sad smile, trying to commit it to memory as the call disconnected, and the pixels turned into nothing.

 

The second time, was the night before they left for college.

It was late August, and John and Alexander were laying down outside, a thin blanket separating them from the dry, dead grass on the ground.

The air outside was sticky and hot, but the inside of Alexander’s room didn’t offer much more of a repreve than a small fan, so they decided to at least tough out the heat outside. That didn’t explain why they built a campfire though.

Emotions were high for both. Nervousness, excitement, but most of all, the knowledge that it would be months before they saw each other again. While they had been able to talk about anything and everything all summer, they now found themselves unable to talk about subjects of much importance. Assembling the campfire gave them something to do, anything to keep their minds off of the inevitable.

Alexander could have left for college four days ago, where a dorm and cooler weather awaited him, but decided to stay the few extra days until John left for England.

Alexander and John spent every possible moment of summer together. Sleepovers, going out to eat, trips to the movies, and even a vacation to Myrtle Beach together. Alexander had even broken up with his girlfriend before summer started, and seemed to spend as much time as he could with John.

John turned his head to look at Alexander. It was late now, the fire cast Alex in a warm orange hue. It would be extremely easy to end this night on a pleasant stream of niceties.

But John couldn't end things this way. To be next to Alexander, and his wonderful mind, and not know his true thoughts right before this drastic life change.

“What will you miss?” John asked in a rush, “About here, I mean?”

Alexander let out a contemplative hum, “Not much. I was never able to really connect here.”

John could only nod his head, wondering how much Alexander would think of him.

“Well...there’s the stars.” Alexander blurted.

John turned to look at him.

“I’ll miss the stars here. There won’t be any visible in New York.” Alexander added, “I’ve never been somewhere without them.”

“I don’t know if there will be stars where I’m going.” John added. In all his research he did of his university, he never thought to google that simple question. “Do you think we’ve romanticized New York too much?”

“How so?” Alexander asked.

“Like, it won’t live up to our expectations when we go?”

“I don’t think that will happen.” Alexander said confidently, before turning to look at John, and sensing he was still anxious. “But, I’m going there first, I can safely warn you if it isn’t what we expected. If it’s not, we can pack up and come up with a new dream city.”

John sighed, “Then...what if it is all we ever wanted...and you have the time of your life and I’m stuck in England all alone?”

Alexander furrowed his brow, “Don’t think like that, Laurens. Yeah, It’s not exactly where you wanted to go, but you’ll have a fun time on your own and make new friends. And no matter how perfect college is for me, I won’t forget you.”

John bit his lip, Alexander averted his eyes.

“And besides, at least you can legally drink over there.” Alexander offered, relaxing back into his cool self.

John huffed, “Oh please, like you will be a strict law-abiding citizen.”

Alexander sat up from where they were laying to reply to John, except his long black hair was wildly askew, bits flying everywhere.

John laughed, perhaps they had been laying down longer than he realized. Alexander stopped talking to feel the top of his head, a small smile growing on his face.

John sat up, moving close to Alexander as he worked his fingers through the dark tresses, smoothing his hair back to normal like he so often did.

Though this time, he managed to find a long blade of dead grass in Alexander’s hair. John pulled it out, bringing it to Alexander’s face for them both to chuckle at, but Alexander wasn’t laughing, he was staring right at John.

John hadn’t realized how close he had gotten until he was staring back into Alexander’s eyes.

His eyes were so dark that they always looked black. It was only if he let you get as close as John was now, that you could see the faint difference between the pupil and the iris, and see the lighter brown that was Alexander’s eye color. It left John enraptured.

“ _My Laurens._ ” Alexander whispered.

Every fiber of John’s being was telling him to kiss Alexander. The signs all seemed to be there, and this would be the last time for him to say how he felt.

John moved forward a fraction of an inch, then bit his lip.

But...what was the point of John revealing everything now, when they were about to be seperated in just a few hours? It wasn’t the last time he was going to talk or see to Alexander either, why risk throwing away the whole friendship?

John let out a shuddering breath, wrapping his arms around Alexander’s shoulders, and burying his face in Alexander’s neck.

The force of the hug surprised Alexander, knocking him back a bit, before he wrapped one arm tightly around John’s torso, the other hand making its way into John’s curls.

“You have no idea how much you mean to me.” It took John a minute to realize it was _Alexander_ , and not himself that had spoken those words.

“This isn’t goodbye forever.” John promised, though he didn’t know if the reassurance was for Alexander’s sake, or his own.

~*~*~

John was kissing Alexander.

_John was kissing Alexander._

John’s heart was beating wildly while Alexander remained frozen for a few brief, terrifying seconds, before he started kissing John back. Putting a hand on Laurens’ neck, his thumb gently touching John’s cheek.

It was rather chaste, just lips against lips. Though ‘just’ seemed like the wrong description, at least when it had anything to do with kissing Alexander.

All too quickly, the kiss was broken, though John wasn’t sure who pulled back.

Both men stared at each other, eyes wide. They hadn’t pulled back far, John could feel Alexander’s breath ghosting across his lips, staring into the eyes that had enraptured him for close to a decade.

Neither said a word.

Suddenly, Alexander surged forward, grabbing John’s cheeks and claiming his lips.

John let out a squeak of surprise, stumbling back before closing his eyes, and melting into the kiss. His head was swimming, the buzz from the alcohol turning this already euphoric moment into one of absolute ecstasy.

He clamped his hands onto Alexander’s hips, as Alexander began to move one hand to John’s lower back to pull them closer together.

Alexander’s kisses were so eager, so desperate. His stubble scratched along John’s chin, making John moan at the friction.

John got lost in the sensation, but he wanted more.

Using the hands that had been on Alex’s hips, John pushed Alexander down so that he was sitting on the sofa.

John straddled Alexander’s thighs, giving him a quick, hard kiss, before moving his head to suck on the pulse point on his neck. Alexander’s head was bent back, eyes screwed shut, making the most sinful moans as John kissed and sucked against Alexander’s neck and jaw.

When John gently bit his adams apple, Alexander let out a low groan, and quickly shifted his hands to the bottom of John’s shirt, pulling the fabric as high as it would allow with John’s arms in the way.

John moved back from Alexander’s neck to toss his shirt off the rest of the way, Alexander letting out a sharp inhale at the sight. John smirked at the visible reaction, and moved back to kiss Alexander’s full lips.

John moved his hands to Alexander’s shirt, but of course this was one of the few days Alexander decided to wear a fucking button up shirt. John tried to unfasten the buttons, which was made even more difficult with Alexander’s hands mapping over every inch of John’s chest.

“Move...your...hands!” Alexander murmured into John’s mouth, keeping their lips together as Alexander ripped open his own shirt, the remaining buttons clinking to the floor.

John was surprised for a moment that the frugal Alexander Hamilton would willfully destroy a shirt, but an even greater shock overtook him as Alexander rapidly moved John so that John was lying down on the sofa, Alexander on top of him.

It wasn’t the most graceful of maneuvers. They landed in an heap, lips breaking connection. Alex landed a little too hard on John’s chest and elbow. Which had them both letting out an small groan of pain.

Though...the incident was rather funny.

A smile soon graced John’s lips, letting out a giggle at their predicament.

Alexander turned to John, eyes so intently fixed on him, it took John aback.

“D-did I do something wrong?” John stuttered, wondering if Alex misunderstood that laugh.

Alexander’s face softened, taking off the rest of his shirt, and moving close to John and giving him a delicate peck on the cheek, giving gentle kisses until he got to John’s lips.

“Not at all my dear.” He whispered.

John let out a whine, this would be the end of him.

John moved his head upward and captured Alexander’s lips in a searing kiss, tongues exploring each other’s mouths as Alexander moved to fit more properly between John’s legs, his erection painfully strained against his tight jeans.

Though, John could feel that Alexander was similarly afflicted.

Alexander used one hand to hold himself up, so John wasn’t fully supporting his weight. The other hand was used to caress John’s face, earlobe, before tightly tangling into John’s curls.

Skin was touching skin, and the sensation was maddening. John had seen Alexander’s chest plenty of times, had even gotten close with him during days at the pool, sleepovers, and just with teenage boys being rowdy.

But it _never_ felt like this. Never felt like Alexander had set his skin on fire.

John bucked his hips up, and Alexander let out a guttural groan. John briefly panicked, wondering if he took it too far, when he felt Alexander align their hips together, getting into a better position, as Alexander began to thrust back against John.

John moved his hands to bring Alexander’s face closer to his. Both were breathing heavily through their noses, desperate to stay together and not break the kiss.

Alexander managed to keep an even pace. John tried to keep up, but he was coming undone so easily. Alexander practically reducing him to being a stuttering teenager again.

At least he still retained his boldness.

John slid his hands underneath Alexander’s jeans and grabbed his ass to increase the pressure between them.

Alexander let out a growl as he roughly increased his grip in John’s hair, their ministrations getting more fantic.

John could feel the flush in his cheeks, his moans becoming higher in pitch.

“God...Laurens.” Alex groaned during desperate breaks for air they were trying hard not to make.

“ _Alexander._ ” John whined, desperate for more.

Slowly, he moved his hands out of Alex’s jeans to his bare hips, moving toward the front of Alexander’s jeans.

That’s when a loud cry sounded from the bedroom.

_Philip._

Alexander sprang back from John’s body, eyes wide.

Both men stared at each other, panting heavily.

John’s mind swam, wondering what the hell had just happened between the two. What would have happened if Philip hadn’t interrupted. Would they really have taken it further?

Alexander fixed John a look he couldn’t decipher, before chuckling breathlessly, hands moving through his short hair.

“I definitely forgot about...the baby.” Alexander cleared his throat.

Laurens was frozen, eyes fixed on Alexander for his next reaction.

“Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?”

That was not what Laurens expected to hear.

“Not like that!” Alexander quickly corrected, watching John’s eyebrows rise, “Just...Philip is already set up in there, and it would be a hassle to set up the pull out couch and move his crib and everything, and just...it would be nice to be close to you tonight.”

“...Okay.” John quietly replied, his throat raw, and arousal long dead.

Alexander went to the bathroom to brush his teeth as John went to see what was wrong with his son.

He could hear Alexander puttering around as John changed Philip’s diaper, put him back to bed, and quickly got ready himself. Just brushing his teeth and putting on a loose fitting shirt and his boxers to bed.

Alexander was already in bed as John crawled in, and damn, John had forgotten how good it felt to sleep on a proper mattress. He could feel sleep overcoming him.

“Do you mind if I...” Alexander asked, though John really didn’t know what he meant.

Alexander decided to just take the plunge, scooting closer to John. He gently entwined their legs, put his arm under John’s head, and brought his other hand to rest on John’s shoulder.

_Oh._

It had been so long since John had anyone to cuddle with. Well, there was Philip, but being around his baby who continually needed his love, was often a painful reminder of how much John needed someone to be there for him.

He had no one. No partner, no nearby friends, no parents...

But there was Alexander.

John moved his hand to the side of Alexander’s torso, gently squeezing it, then making gentle strokes with his palm.

As much as John wanted to savor the moment, his buzz was wearing off, and his eyelids were getting heavy.

“Goodnight.” John blearily announced as he felt Alexander begin to caress his shoulder with his thumb.

Alexander let out a contented sigh, “Goodnight.”

As John began to drift off, he remembered that this pose was familiar. They had fallen asleep exactly like this their last night together before they left for college. It had been so comforting, and so perfect.

And then their friendship had broken up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left it at a bit of an ominous note there...
> 
> Thank you all for the kind words and kudos! Next chapter is the last one 💜


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Excuse me I'll be crying in a corner forever because there is art based on my work and it's incredible](https://vk.com/zephyrnui_chaos?z=photo-144143883_456239610%2Falbum-144143883_00%2Frev)
> 
>  
> 
> Here it is, the final chapter! Hope you all enjoy ❤️

John woke up in a fog, looking around dazedly at his surroundings. He hadn’t drunk enough to be hungover, but he always woke up feeling a bit grungy whenever he got at least buzzed.

Philip was making small whining noises from his bassinet, and John noticed he was in a bed...Alexander’s bed...

_Oh god._

Last night crashed back into his memory, the fight with Alexander, the kiss, and how they fell asleep embraced around each other.

Except now, Alexander was gone.

John let out a shaky breath, and ran his hands through his hair. He couldn’t hear anything in the main room, so Alexander had probably left the apartment. His mind raced with scenarios of Alexander freaking out and leaving the apartment...and then he remembered that Alexander had told him he had work today. 

On a Sunday. 

The day after they made out.

...great.

John reached for his phone, seeing if maybe Alexander had texted him at all, before seeing it was dead. He cursed his alcohol-fueled brain for not remembering to find his charger before going to sleep.

He slid out of Alexander’s warm bed, picked up Philip, and moved to the living room. 

He scanned the apartment, finding that Alexander was indeed gone.

John put Pip in his high chair, plugged his phone in, and drank a big glass of water to get himself rehydrated.

But judging by the time, John had really slept in. Alexander never left this early for work, especially on a weekend.

Did Alexander feel awkward? Did he regret what happened?

_Was Alexander avoiding him?_

John checked his phone again, hoping for a message. 

There were messages alright, John found several missed calls and worried texts from Lafayette. 

He groaned as he remembered the text he sent to Lafayette in the heat of his upset mood.

John ran his hand down his face. He really didn’t want to explain the whole situation to Lafayette, who John had called insane when he suggested that Alex had a crush. But John figured there was no way out of this.

So, palms sweating, he decided to give Lafayette a call back.

Of course Laf had to pick up on the first ring.

“John! I swear if you don’t tell me-”

“Sorry Laf, my phone died on me. I promise there isn’t any serious threat or anything.”

There was a long exhale on the other line.

“You had me seriously worried John, you can’t pull shit like this. At least a drunk phone call from you would have calmed my nerves”

John let out a light chuckle, but Lafayette was not stopping.

“Now what’s going on?”

“So, um, I may have been dramatic, but I...sort of learned that Alexander is bi, we got into a big argument, and then we may have kissed.”

John could only hear silence on the other line

“But, he left the apartment really early today,” John continued in a rush, “so I don’t know how he feels now that we are sobered up.”

“ _Merde_ ” Lafayette cursed, going silent on the other line. 

“Laf?”

“Okay, so there is a lot to unpack there. Were you both drunk?”

John remembered Alexander’s flushed face and bright eyes, but his speech wasn’t slurred and he wasn’t falling down.

“No. We were buzzed, but definitely not drunk, especially blackout drunk. I’m sure he remembers everything.”

“Don’t worry about that right now, mon ami. Who did the kissing?”

“I did, I started it and I made him uncomfortable. Oh god why why why did I mess this up?”

“John! Stop it, getting hysterical before the fact won’t change anything. But, did you initiate everything? Absolutely _everything_?

John thought of their second kiss, of Alexander asking him to stay in bed with him, of Alexander moving John underneath him.

“Well, no, but-”

“Well then there’s your answer. You keep saying you’re not the nervous kid you used to be, but you really aren’t as over it as you would like to believe, John. You doubt nearly every action you make with men you are interested in.”

John closed his eyes, willing his breath to stay even. He thought of his every interaction with Alexander, scared and jittery, and as much as he had grown during college, he hadn’t ever really been able to fully conquer his demons. And lying about doing so clearly wasn’t doing him any favors.

“Look, Lafayette, I know I freak out and panic over little things. I really do get that. But this is more than me being scared to tell a cute guy I like him, or not know if he is flirting with me or not. Alexander is my oldest friend, and I live with him. What if he feels weird and wants me out of here?”

John could practically hear the gears in Lafayette’s head turning, “Well, you know him better than I do. But does he really seem the type to just drop you as soon as things get a bit awkward? Didn’t you say his ex was at the party?”

It was true, Eliza was at the party, and Alexander spent a lot of time with her. Angelica was the sister of his ex, and they were still very close.

They hadn’t even talked for years, but Alexander rushed to help him when John had no one else. Even if things became awkward after John’s confession, he couldn’t imagine Alexander completely dropping him as a friend afterward.

“Yeah, she was. Even if he regrets what happened...I don’t think he would drop me as a friend over it.”

“ _If._ ” Lafayette snorted.

John got a shy smile on his face, the tone in the conversation rapidly changing to something much happier.

“What?” John asked bemusedly.

“Well, unlike you, I know how to tell if someone is flirting.”

John scoffed, “You cannot possibly know if he is flirting! You’ve only talked to the guy once!”

“That is true, but ehhh, it’s rather obvious.” Lafayette teased.

“It’s not obvious!” John argued, “I didn’t even know he wasn’t straight until his friend told me. You didn’t know either, otherwise you definitely would have told me.”

“I didn’t know anything for sure, but John, it was still entirely obvious.”

John groaned, “I don’t want to think about this now...maybe I can just say ‘sorry’ when he gets home?” John weakly offered.

“Look, John. You kissed him, you cannot go back from that. Do you really want to hide your feelings forever? Especially now that you may have a chance?”

_A chance._ John didn’t want his mind to wander there, what it would be like to date Alexander. For quick kisses on their way out the door to work, cuddling on the couch to watch a show together, Alexander pulling him into bed...

John didn’t want to imagine it. He knew he would be heartbroken if all it could be is a fantasy.

“Yeah, I know...I’ll talk to him” John hesitantly replied

“And if you’re worried about him not feeling the same way, let me just say, you should have seen how he looked at you when you got out of the shower.”

John flushed, remembering the video conversation between Alex and Laf. 

“Okay Laf, I really need to go figure some things out. I’ll let you know...what happens.”

“Okay, I’m always here for you John, no matter what. Send Philip my love, I’d love to talk, but I think his father needs some time alone from the phone.”

“Thanks Laf...bye.”

~~~

John tried to keep himself busy. He practiced for his job interview, did some sketching, tried watching a show...

But Philip was acting off today.

He whined every few minutes, and got fussy whenever John tried to put him down to do anything, which just added to John’s frustration.

As the hours ticked by, he tried texting Alexander a couple times, just texts wondering how he is doing, or how long he was going to be out, but John got nothing back.

Around noon, after hours of whining, Philip made a mess of his meal and refused to go down for a nap.

That’s when all hell broke loose.

John was stressed. Philip had never acted like this, and now he would not stop crying no matter what John tried. Meanwhile Alexander was staying quiet, John’s mind was racing with fears.

It was all too much.

John sunk to the floor, sitting with his legs crossed. “Please...please stop, Pip...”John begged, cradling his son tight against his chest, as the tears came flooding down his face. John hated the shame of it more than anything, his dad’s cruel taunts telling him to ‘be a man’ replayed in his head as he futilely wiped the tears, sniffling loudly.

He had just wanted a new start. That’s all it was. One where he could finally be himself, be the confident man his son needed for a father. And here he was, crying and scared to tell a guy how he really feels.

John wiped the tears off his face. In that moment, he felt like a failure.

“John?”

John whipped his head up, to find Alexander standing in the doorway, face contorted to one of concern. John hadn’t even heard him come in.

Alexander moved toward John, quickly shedding his work bag and coat as he sat in front of John. John could only stare blankly. 

“What’s wrong?”

It was like a dam broke. John’s emotions flooded out from him, uninhibited in the face of Alexander’s concern.

“You didn’t answer your phone, and Philip just won’t stop crying, and I was so worried what you thought, and I- and I-”

For once it was John who kept rambling, cheeks puffy and eyes red.

Alexander silenced John by wrapped his arms around John’s shoulders, giving him a tight hug.

The angle was awkward, they had to leave room for Philip in the middle of them, but John couldn’t care less. No matter how worried and confused he was feeling, Alexander was always a beacon of comfort for him. 

He rested his forehead onto Alexander’s.

“Shhhhh, I’m sorry, it’s okay, it’s fine. Just breathe.” Alexander soothed. John’s first few breaths were uneven and ragged, but soon he settled back into a calm rhythm.

John pulled away and opened his eyes, and found Alexander was staring back at him.

“Philip is being so fussy. I’ve tried everything I could think of to calm him down, but nothing seems to work.”

Alex gave him a reassuring look, before grabbing Philip from John’s hands. Like a pro, Alexander began patting Philip’s back and whispering soothing words in french to the infant.

Soon, the cries ceased, and Philip had fallen asleep.

“How did you do that?” John asked in astonishment.

Alexander looked down sheepishly as he gently laid Philip in his crib, “I’ve been getting better at my calming techniques for him during your runs.”

John wanted to thank him, to start crying all over again about how much Alexander does for him, but all that came out was, “You’re back earlier than usual.”

Which was true. It was still very early in the afternoon, whereas Alex usually came back several hours later if he was working. “Yeah, I left earlier than usual this morning, I wanted to come back as quick as I could. But I wanted to avoid my phone distracting me so it’s been off all day. I was even so focused on coming back that I didn’t even check it on the way home.”

“You don’t think you could have at least texted that to me? John deadpanned.

Alex could only look away, letting out a strained breath. “I’m also sorry I left before letting you work out this morning.”

Like a flash of lightning, John could finally see what was making Philip act up today. “It threw Philip off his routine. Why he was fussy, I mean.” John said with a small smile. Alexander having the ability to charm not only John, but his son, was such an endearing quality. “He must have woken up and saw that you were gone, and missed you.” Alexander was stone faced, but John could see that he was touched. “He really likes you.”

Alexander was quiet, “I’m glad _he_ likes me.” It was so sad and quiet. Barely above a whisper, but John heard the implication behind those words.

His heart was beating a million miles a minute, a tense silence settling over them, the unsaid words thickly permeating the air. A big part of him just wanted to avoid everything, and say it meant nothing. They could just go on tip toeing around the subject forever.

Forever...

He didn’t want to be that stuttering teen anymore. If he really wanted to grow up, now was the time.

“Look, Alexander...we need to talk. We’ve been dancing this dance and never really talking to each other for years, it’s time we were both honest to each other.”

Alexander had a humorless smirk on his face, trying to keep a cool demeanor but John could see the worry etched on his face.

“Yeah...you’re right John.” A silence settled over them, thick and smothering. “Do you want to go first?”

“Maybe...you should go. Start out light and work our way into the more...honest territory.”

Alexander let out a dry chuckle, “Yeah, that’s fair...what do you want to know?

So many questions swam around in John’s mind, he decided to start relatively easy.

“Do you really insist everyone call you Alex?”

Alexander looked bemused, like he was surprised _this_ question among the other glaringly important ones. “Yeah, I do prefer to be called Alex...but ever notice how I call you Laurens, when no one else does?”

John hadn’t ever realized that. It was true, the last time he had ever been called ‘Laurens’, besides coming from Alexander were the bullies in high school.

“Some of the kids used to call me that in high school.” John offered.

“Yeah, I remember.” Alexander said with a scowl. “I hated how they treated you, how you would flinch when they would call you by your own name. I wanted to turn it into something positive, something you would smile at.”

John was smiling now, it was faint, but it was there.

“The reason I like you calling me Alexander is because I just love hearing it come from you. It’s not because I don’t think we’re friends. It’s the exact opposite. What got you so up in arms about that anyway?”

“Well, Burr brought it up, and it just got me thinking-”

“That snake,” Alexander cut John off, anger apparent in his voice, “he probably said that stuff to you because he knew we were close, what with you being my roommate and all that, and if there was a rift between us, it would throw me off my performance at work. Trust me John, I would never do anything like that to you.”

John nodded, Alexander’s explanation making sense, and calming John down.

“What else did he tell you?”

John felt sheepish now, that he would allow Burr to let him feel this way.

“He said that he thought you brought us to the party because we aren’t as fun, and so we would be out of your way.”

“Again, not true.” Alex said with conviction, “I thought it might be nice for you to meet someone there who also had a kid. I know parents usually want their kids in playgroups...or something like that. And it’s not that I hate Burr, but he’s so calm and collected, I can never tell if he is being himself, or working to further an agenda. And clearly this time we know which way he was acting this time.”

John nodded his head slowly, seriously considering 

“If you say we really are friends...why have you been acting so weird lately?”

“Weir _d_?” Alexander question, his voice cracking on the last syllable.

John wanted to mention the kiss. He could feel the words practically crawling out of his throat.

“I just feel like you don’t tell me as much as you used to. Like, I have no clue what’s going on with you and Eliza. You never told me anything about her or her sisters, and you all seem so close. You used to always tell me everything about your girlfriends.”

Alexander opened and closed his mouth, perhaps for the first time in his life, the words unable to come out.

“Yeah, I know. I’ve been more secretive. The thing is...with Eliza...I deeply care about her. But I just felt like something was...missing between us. I loved her, but I never felt the effort to prioritize her in my life. And that sounds awful...hell, it is awful, but that’s why we were off and on so much. I wasn’t ready for the level of commitment she deserved, but we both loved each other so we would try again, but the same problems would always surface. I decided to finally break it off because I knew I could never be able to commit to her, if I was trying too hard. The real reason I didn’t tell you about her, or her sisters, was that all of this happened a couple weeks ago, and I just wanted to ignore it for the moment.”

A few weeks ago, would have just been about the time John entered back into Alexander’s life, John realized with a chill.

“Did you ever wonder why I was in the park that day we ran into each other?” John hadn’t thought about it. “I usually never go out just to write, I was upset about Eliza, and just needed to vent in a whole new setting I don’t usually go to...and then I saw you.”

If John had been breathing before, he wasn’t after that. The way Alexander said that last part, while staring up at John, left him mesmerized, becoming lost in Alexander’s deep, dark, eyes.

“And everything just felt...right. Like all throughout high school, I always made an effort for you, because I always wanted you to be that priority. I just loved being around you more than anything.”

And John thought the kiss made him confused.

“What are you saying, Alexander?”

“Look...I was going to wait until after you landed a job and got your own place. I would have told you I was bi then, and asked you out.”

“Asked me out...like...” Part of John just wanted to run into Alexander’s arms, but he was confused “What was all this then? Me moving in here, the kiss, was it all just some weird plan?”

“I didn’t plan any of this out or anything!” Alexander quickly insisted, a pained look on his face, “you know how impulsive I am. You were all alone in the city, you were vulnerable, and you needed a place to stay. I wanted to be there for you, and you told me all you needed was a _friend_. When I realized how strong my feelings were for you...the last thing you needed was to have the guy who offered you a place to stay make you feel like I’m entitled to sleep with you by propositioning.”

John was surprised, the anger and confusion dissipating, “I wouldn’t have felt that way.”

A tense silence permeated the air.

“What if I had said no? When you asked me out, I mean.”

Alexander, looked down, “Then, I would work at moving on. I didn’t _expect_ you to say yes, I just didn’t want to lose you again without at least trying to make a go of it.”

John shook his head sadly. “Why didn’t you say anything Alexander? All these years...I wouldn’t have been mad at you for being confused about your sexuality.”

Alexander looked deflated at John’s reply, “Yeah, I know, but...I didn’t know I was bi _for sure_ until I fooled around with a guy. That happened in college, and I always figured that is what it would have taken for me to know. There was no one else I would have tried daring to risk it with and lose my reputation. But with you...you were so desperate back then. So worried about not having any experience, about feeling unloved, I knew you would have jumped at the chance if I offered, whether you liked me or not.” John was about to protest, before he realized that Alexander was completely right. “Do you know how shitty I would have felt, if I fooled around with you, for it to not mean anything to me after? I would never have forgiven myself.”

John realized it was probably his turn to confess some of his secrets. He opened his mouth, but Alexander barrelled on.

“All this time...John, I had never had a close friend until you came along. I didn’t know how it was supposed to feel. It was only when I went to college and made other real friends, that I realized what I felt for you wasn’t just friendship. I’m dense, I was too stupid, to realize that I was in love with you.”

John sharply inhaled, eyes going wide. He had been hoping for a possible date, but a declaration of love?

“Was?” He managed to say, his heart threatened to break through his ribs.

Alexander shook his head, coming closer and laying his hand against John’s jaw, the brunette shivered at the contact.

“I still am. More than ever actually.”

This felt like a dream, but it couldn’t be as he felt his hands shake, and his blood rushing through his ears.

“You never answered answered any questions about you though.” Alex whispered.

John’s eyes closed as he leaned his forehead onto Alexander’s, regaining some composure. “What’s your question?” He whispered, the breath ghosting over Alexander’s face.

Alexander moved closer, his lips grazing against John’s.

“Want to make this official?”

As much as John wanted this, he stepped back.

“Alexander, this isn’t just about me though. I’m a package deal. Philip is always going to come first in my life.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s fine.” Alexander said quickly, moving back to be closer to John, but John held his shoulders.

“It’s like when I moved in. It’s one thing to be okay with Philip living here, being around him, but-”

“John-”

“Alexander I need to finish. A lot of people can’t handle someone else coming first in a relationship. You may say ‘oh yeah I get it’ but I really need you to think about this.”

Alexander stared at John for the longest time.

“John, I _want_ him to be apart of my life, both of you. I can’t explain how I feel about him when I’ve only known him for such a short time, but I adore him. I’m so insanely proud when he learns new things, and I feel honored to watch him grow, even as just your friend. To have you let me into your family would be a privilege. And it makes me love you so much more to see how much of an amazing father you are to him.”

John felt like crying, but for a whole new reason now. For so long he felt unloved. From his father, his classmates, and everyone he had a crush on at college who he couldn’t get to stick around. But through all that, before Philip came along, there was always the one person who helped him get through. 

“I’ve always loved you, Alexander.”

John brought his lips onto Alexander’s. All the want, confusion, and hurt over the last few days just melted away as Alexander’s shock turned into a need matching John’s. 

John felt Alexander smile into the kiss, and soon John was smiling, and they were just two men who were insanely close together, unable to kiss due to their matching grins.

“You’re gonna get a job John, I know you will. You’re so talented, and dedicated, I don’t want you to move out. We can get a bigger place, you could even have your own room and bed, but please don’t move away, I hate the idea of us spending anymore time apart than we already have.”

John smiled, “Only if you promise that you will start to cut back on your hours at work. I want you to be happy, to start acting like the person I know you are to work on your writing career.”

Alexander got a wide grin on his face, “I can’t say no to you, Laurens.”

“Well then, John, that only leaves one last question to ask.”

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you again?”

John rolled his eyes, and met Alexander for another kiss. It was languid and slow, their first kiss not to feel near-frenzied. Their tongues met, but it was exploratory, as they realized they could finally savor one another, commit every detail to memory.

Philip suddenly let out a loud and happy squeak, John and Alexander broke the kiss, smiling.

“You should expect a lot of interruptions too.” John warned Alex as they let go of each other.

“I’ve had to wait this long already, at least he is a good reason to wait a bit longer. Though I may be gifting a certain someone a baby monitor for Christmas. Or maybe sooner.”

Alexander picked Philip up and lifted him in the air, the short nap changing his mood dramatically.

“He’s still tired though, want to watch a movie together?” John asked Alex, “There’s gotta be something kid-friendly that we can tolerate.”

~~~

“Did you ever notice when I would slip up and see if you were into me?” Alexander asked John about midway through the Pixar movie.

John looked over at his new boyfriend bemusedly. He had just sent a text to Lafayette about how the talk went, it was a selfie with Alexander giving John a kiss on the cheek, with the caption ‘you were right.’ 

“No, when was this? High school?”

“No, not high school, like...recently?” 

John’s face scrunched in confusion, taking a minute to think on their interactions, “Was...was that the whole Rockefeller Center thing? And you complimenting me, and the photos,” John felt Alexander’s hand slide through his hair, “and that!”

Alexander shrugged, “Maybe it was...either way, I’m surprised you didn’t pick up on it.”

John scoffed as corners of his mouth involuntarily turning into a smile, “Sorry I didn’t pick up that my supposedly straight friend who was always overly affectionate with me was flirting with me.”

“You’re forgiven.” Alexander replied with a mock seriousness. “You’ve earned it because you didn’t snoop through my poetry, even though the more romantic and flowery notes were all for you.”

John’s eyebrows shot up, and made to move but stopped himself. Philip had fallen asleep on his arm, and John was too terrified to move, risking him waking up.

Alexander definitely knew this.

“You prick,” John said fondly, “I’m definitely seeing them later. You owe me for all the years in high school I had to listen to your declarations of love to a new girl every week.”

Alexander smiled, looking away before his eyes met John again. “But anyways, like, say if you _did_ know I was into you sooner, you would have gone out with me?”

John looked over at Alexander. _His_ Alexander. “Yes, I would have gone out with you then, but I like where we came out anyway. In our own perfectly imperfect way, all this time later.”

“So...you’re saying I was worth the wait?” 

He was finally in New York City, a job was on the horizon. But more importantly, Alexander’s hand was still in his hair, and his son was asleep on his arm. He knew if he played his cards any differently, he wouldn’t have everything he has now, right in front of him.

“I would have waited forever for this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I created a new series tag! 😃 I got a lot of comments wanting more stories of Lams in this universe, so if you want a sequel, it'll be there eventually, though I have a couple other story ideas first.
> 
> I really want to thank everyone for being so sweet and patient while I took a long time to upload this last chapter. I wanted to take my time to make sure everything wrapped up perfectly. I also want to thank everyone for the kudos and the very sweet comments on my work. They really encouraged me to keep going whenever I was feeling insecure about my writing, and they always made me smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Eeeeek, so this is my first published story! Be gentle, but constructive criticism would be appreciated.


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